“She wasn’t going to wait. She’d waited long enough. For five damn years she’d been in love with a man who was never going to be able to love her back. Not the way she needed him to.Because he was incapable of loving her. Possibly incapable of loving anyone.”
Excerpt From: Burton, Jaci. “Changing the Game.” Penguin, 2011-08-01T04:00:00+00:00. iBooks.
“wg ka magmakaawa.. pra m-feel ko nman n pwede ka mwala sakin..”
is it better kung meron competition..? hndi b ms ok kng alam mo n ikw lng ang gsto ko & hndi aq tumitingin s iba?! is it the real reason y gnito tyo ngaun..? kc ms gsto mo yung my kaagaw?! akala ko ms mgiging msaya ka pg wala n s eksena yung mga umeeksena sakin. kla q ms mgiging ok kng iisipin mo n ikaw lng yun mahal q & wla aq mamahalin p n iba..
ang hirap i-explain why i chose you. before i met you, i admit, i have other options. it’s not that nagmamaganda ako or something.. but i know those two guys from childhood, so at least alam ko na hindi lang sex ang habol nila. the reason why i never chose them.. with mike, yes he was my first boyfriend. things could’ve been better if we had that relationship when we were older. out of childish things, jealousy and possessiveness before, we never last. and i know nothing would change if we would still be together. with emerson.. honestly.. masaya lang aq knowing na someone out there has a crush on me when i feel so insecure. i never felt anything serious about him. and now, i know, there’s no reason why we should be together. when i met you, everything is chaos. we met in july 2009 and it’s only 3months before my son’s first birthday. ginugulo p ko ng ex ko that time and i’m scared.. scared of losing my self, my sanity, my son.. everything! i’m scared that i can’t be free off of him. nun naging close tyo, it was a mere coincidence na my ex had to work in alabang and he has to go to law school at the same time. that gave me a chance to notice you. you were nice to everyone. you were even closer to them. i remember you joining the team building in antipolo.. i remember you drinking beers with them after shift.. & kakukulit mo about s nunal s paa ko, and you made me smile, ang drama kung sasabihin ko na.. it was the first time i smiled fo real i felt relief rushed through me. but it’s scaring me at the same time.. i hate joining you guys for a drink after shift kc dadating yung ex ko. it’s not that i don’t want him to see you guys, but because, by the time na andun sya.. ikaw naman yung aalis pra puntahan si nicole. i remember the first time.. you were seated in front of me when he came. but even before we left, you were already gone. and when i asked them where you’ve been.. Tom will just say “kay kumander”. i was really affected then. i told my self na hindi na ulit ako sasama sa inyo. na ayoko ng nafi-feel ko kasi alam ko hindi yun tama. when he can’t find a chance of having time for me in between his work and school and his family, you started asking me to join you guys. at first naiilang ako kasi, hindi naman talaga na ko nakikipag-barkada sa iba since he became my boyfriend. kasi bawal. so everything seems ok, everything seems so light.. you were always there and hindi ka na umaalis bigla bigla. i don’t know why. pero it made me happy. our first kiss was really unexpected. madel, grace & carlo were teasing us then. we were all drunk. so carlo and madel kissed. carlo ang grace kissed. i was just laughing since i’m not used to those kind of things..mgrace was teasing me then saying “wag ka na umarte,tin! my anak ka na tapos kiss lang ilang n ilang ka?!” and they asked us to kiss. you were making faces then. fooling around as if you’re ok with the dare. and since ayoko mapahiya, i held your face in front of me, then i kissed you. on the lips. it didn’t last lomg. smuck lang di ba?! then we were just laughing about it afterwards. when it was time to go home.. you asked me if pwede mo ko ihatid sa bus terminal. and i said yes. you invited me to have breakfast first at BAANG coffee in timog. after having coffee and toast, we were on our way to GMA7. on the way there, you asked me y i gave in to the dare. i told you ayoko lang mapahiya. i was really stunned when you said
“our first kiss could’ve been better.. in a different place, in a different time.. when it’s just the two of us”
then i asked you “if bibigyan tyo ng chance to redo it.. what would you do?” you parked the car. held my face in front of you. then we kissed. again. i don’t know for how long. i just remember the feeling. it’s hard to explain, for it felt different. it felt right. i didn’t even think about him, or her at that time. dramatic as it may seem, pero that was the first time i closed my eyes when i kiss. i just felt it. your reaction then was really funny. you just said “wow!” still holding my face. when you let me go, i said “sorry.. baka may magalit..” then you just said “if hindi pa kita ihahatid ngayon pauwi sa inyo, baka kung saan kita dalhin.. baka iba ang magalit. hindi sino, pero ‘ano’.” after that kiss, we were inseperable. almost. you were transferred across my station, and you always stand in front of me making funny faces. our officemates started to notice. and they were asking me what happened during the weekend. that’s when i rememeber, i din’t even have your phone number. we took our breaks together, we took our lunch together. and after our shift, you were with me in the rec room just watching tv, saying nothing. i was using my comforter then, and you asked me if it’s ok to share. i din’t see anything wrong, so i said yes. underneath the comforter, i thought you wre gonna hold my hand. but you didn’t. when we were about to go home, in front of our friends, i said “hey! wala ako number mo ah.. can i get it pra i know when you’re home safe?” you wrote it in a sticky note. before you left, they were teasing me, saying “ayos ka din kumuha ng # ah!” then you left. i don’t know if you really went home, or to her. that was only 6am. i texted you around lunch time, asking if you’re home safe. a few minutes later, “yes. thank you.” and that was it. a few days have passed, yes we became really close. we never talked about him. not even her. Ice, being the closest to you told me “just enjoy it tin.. they’re on the rocks now. if you really like him, just be patient.” tom, being the closest to me then, keeps on reminding me that what we’re doing is wrong. you have her and i have him. tom said “wag mo ipilit sarili mo sa kanya.. masasaktan ka lang..” it was chris’ birthday, we all went to their apartment near SM North. it was 1am then, friday shift. we arrived together with ate vine & jaypru, all my bags are at the backseat of your car. we were all having fun, eating, drinking, singing with the rest of our officemates. at around 1am, your phone started ringing. i know it was her. you ignored it at first. but i know you want to answer it. i just said “sagutin mo n.. baka emergency,” then you went out. tom sat beside me, asking me what happened. “it’s her.” then i went to the bathroom. i started to cry. then i heard people shouting. i can’t go out. i’m so ashamed of my self. feeling ko kabit ako na humihiram ng oras mo. and that our time is up that moment when she called. no one asked me to go out. i made it sure first that my eyes weren’t that red anymore, i went out. everyone was silent. i sat at the nearest sofa, not saying anything. then shiela and madel sat beside me. i just smiled. when keps knelt in front of me, he said “it’s ok if you want to cry tin.. we understand.” then my tears fell. ansakit. until now pg naiicp ko, ansakit sakit pa rin. then tom hugged me. when i stopped crying, Ice said “oo si nicole nga. tumawag yun friend niya, kelangan daw sya sunduin kasi lasing n lasing.” Madel said “minura ko siya. tang ina nya! andito sya kasama ka tapos bigla sya aalis pra dun sa isa!” Keps said “guys.. alam naman natin san un lugar nya.. i know na alam din naman ni tin yun..” i just smiled.. and said “guys thank you. ok na ko. sorry nasira ko yun birthday ni chris.. wg na lang natin pagusapan..” after 3 hours or so (around 4.30am), you came back. the guys refused to let you go inside. i can’t cry anymore. nakakahiya na kasi. then i heard Ice said “guys hayaan nyo sya. si tin magdedecide if gusto nya magusap sila or not.” after a few minutes, all of them were all standing, waiting for you. then yon aid “Tin.. let’s go.” madel was the first one to come near me. “tangina mo jolo! anu ganun ganun na lang?! matapos mo puntahan yung girlfriend mo,lalapitan mo kaibigan ko na parang wala nangyari?!” i just said “gusto ko na umuwi. iwan mo na lang gamit ko..” “no! ako maghahatid sayo! sakin ka sasabay pauwi! kelangan kita makausap!” other guys were just staring at us. then tom said “wag na jolo. ok na si tin. bumalik ka na lng sa gf mo. kami na bahala kay tin. we’ll make sure na makakauwi sya”“no! sakin sya sasama!” then madel started shouting words that should’ve been said. when keps stopped her, he asked me “tin.. would you like to talk to him first?” i just nodded. we left. i texted madel sorry for everything and that i’ve decided to hear what you have to say first. i thought you were just going to drive me to GMA7 then. but you went straight to slex. while driving you tried to explain everything. you didn’t say where you took her, and i didn’t ask. i dont wanna hear the answer. you just said “i have to take her home. she’s so drunk. she said she’s gonna kill herself if hindi ako makikipag-ayos sa kanya.. that’s why i can’t leave her then.. sorry..” what i just remeber is that, i said yes when you asked me to forgive you. i didn’t say anything else.
who the hell really is that kathleen/katherine castillo?!
i saw her name on your inbox one day. sbi mo agent ng dti mo tl. when i asked you why is she texting you,sbi mo nangungumusta. wow! antagal mo n nkaalis s hrcc ngaun ka lng kukumustahin?! sbi mo hndi mu nireplyan. pero bkt nka-save un # nya syo? hndi mo mn nireplyan ngaun.. cguro in the future?! then i asked 1 of ‘our’ friends in hrcc. wla nman dw xa kilala n gnun name dun.
antagal q n hndi pnapkielamn ung phone mo kc everytime iccheck q un,my nkkta aq. akala q pg d n q nangielam titino ka. akala q enough n n i’ve trusted you. kla q nagbago kna.. nagbago kna nga b?
when u said ‘”ala q ok lng syo n mambabae aq bsta syo lng aq uuwi?” anu b un joke? o dpat q n seryosohin?! nun cnbi mo ‘hanggang kelan aq lalandi? pno kng hndi aq tumigil s pglandi?!’ does it mean ur really doing it?! sbi q i trust u n u wont do anything stupid pra msktan aq.. sinira mo b n ulit un trust n un? trust n ilan beses mo n snira
what the fuck is going on?!!!!!!! ms gs2 q ung alam q kesa nagmumukha aq tanga!
Ngayon ko na-feel na andaming plastic na tao sa call center. Dati, when I started working for “A Company”, pag hindi ka nila feel, di ka lang kakausapin. Not unless about work. Hindi masyado yung mga plastikan. Meron din naman pailan-ilan..pero hindi tulad dito sa “B Company”. Since I was assigned as overall POC for the Dress Code Policy since it was implemented in October 2013, a log of things changed. Maybe it was what Jay once told me “ingat ka ah.. malaking issue yang dress code na yan. Parang hindi mo naman kilala mga tao dito. If I were you, I’ll let others take care of that.” Being the POC, I was asked to send the Dress Code Policy Compliance Report daily. Team POCs, who were also part of our ESAT team, were assigned to check on his/her team mates, and send me an email if there are violations or issues which is most of the time agents asking if this specific agent is compliant or not. Of course there are those agents on the floor who doesn’t need to be reminded everyday, just like me, we always wanted to dress to impress. There’s this team POC, my team mate Tado, who keeps on complaining about the said policy. On the day that the said policy was announced, as in a month before it was implemented, Tado sent me a message. Tado: “anu ba yan! Lahat na lang hinihigpitan nila. The reason why we don’t have this dress code policy is because para comfortable yung mga employees. Tapos biglang ngayon iiimplement nila?” Me: “ok lang nman. Because of our branding. Syempre since hindi daw tyo call center, we have to show it at least on how we dress. Meron kasi iba na parang nasa bahay lang. It’s to protect the Company na din. Diba mas mukha tayo professionals & credible pag disente tayo magdamit?” Tado: “kahit na no! tapos anu lang yung clothing allowance natin? P150?” Me: “alam mo parang sa internet use lang yan eh. We have to protect the assets of the company. Sa internet use, we have to follow Data Protection Act. We have to protect kasi yung customers. Yung personal information nila. Syempre we can never can tell if all of our employees are honest and that wala kumukuha ng info ng customers. For safeguarding din lang. dib a meron mga security breach with other companies? Like yung mga gumagamit sa credit card info ng customers. Syempre consequence nun is fines, legal charges, or worst eh ma-pull up yung account or even yung business offshore. And this time, sa dress code policy, the employees are the assets. hindi lang naman professionalism ang hinahabol ng company dun. You have to understand. Syempre bragging rights din naman na we work for this company di ba?” Tado: “Hinde! Exaj na talaga! Wala naman to sa pinirmahan natin nun sa JO dba?! Tulad ng internet use nay an! Don’t tell me yung mga nahuli lang last week yung mga nag-iinternet? Pati ikaw! Don’t tell me super compliant ka jan!” Me: “hindi ako perfect. But I want to be one. Oo there are times na nagiinternet ako. Pero dati yun. From the day na sinabi nila na bawal.. i-pull up mo screenshots kung may makukuha ka. Pipirmahan ko. Yung sa inyo naman kasi,san kapa naman halos buong screen na yung sakop nun manga na binabasa mo. Tapos halos araw araw nyo ginagawa yun. Pano kayo hindi marereprimand?” Tado: “wag ka na kasi magmalinis!” Me: “bakit sakin ka magagalit? Ako ba nakahuli sayo? Kung tatanungin ako, aamin ako. Problema lang kasi una hindi kayo marunong i-discreet yun gginagawa nyo. Tapos tingnan mo accounts worked per hour mo. Sino ba naman hindi magdududa. Sa isang oras 8 na nga lang loans mo, wala pa RPC. Ang goal natin 14.” Tado: “tulad ng dress code na yan! Pati ba naman material hahawakan ko pa para lang malaman ko kung pasok sa guidelines? Sobra naman na talaga yun!” Me: “ikaw bahala.. kung anu diskarte gagawin mo. Ang sabi kasi sakin ni tm, kayo team POCs ang magchecheck, taga-email lang ako ng report.” Tado: “so ganun.. hugas kamay ka pa ngayon? Ano pag nagalit yung mga tao dahil nireport naming sila, kaming mga POC yung aawayin nila?” Me: “hindi naman.. in the first place, kung ayaw nila mai-report, sumunod sila sa guidelines. Nasa TM nman nila yun if mabibigyan sila ng papel o hinde!”
Later that day, I heard Tado and Majinboo talking to each other. Maj: “yung mga shaider magiikot na.. ingat kayo ah.. mahirap nab aka kasi si miss fashion police yun makakita satin!” TadoL “miss perfect kasi eh!”
just my dreams as a guide, i set off is search of sandy gardens. set under Mr. Sun's glow. no maps, no plans, here i go. This is me!