“bakit ako yung minahal mo? bakit mo q mahal?”
ang hirap i-explain why i chose you.
before i met you, i admit, i have other options. it’s not that nagmamaganda ako or something.. but i know those two guys from childhood, so at least alam ko na hindi lang sex ang habol nila.
the reason why i never chose them.. with mike, yes he was my first boyfriend. things could’ve been better if we had that relationship when we were older. out of childish things, jealousy and possessiveness before, we never last. and i know nothing would change if we would still be together.
with emerson.. honestly.. masaya lang aq knowing na someone out there has a crush on me when i feel so insecure. i never felt anything serious about him. and now, i know, there’s no reason why we should be together.
when i met you, everything is chaos. we met in july 2009 and it’s only 3months before my son’s first birthday. ginugulo p ko ng ex ko that time and i’m scared.. scared of losing my self, my sanity, my son.. everything! i’m scared that i can’t be free off of him.
nun naging close tyo, it was a mere coincidence na my ex had to work in alabang and he has to go to law school at the same time. that gave me a chance to notice you.
you were nice to everyone. you were even closer to them. i remember you joining the team building in antipolo.. i remember you drinking beers with them after shift.. & kakukulit mo about s nunal s paa ko, and you made me smile, ang drama kung sasabihin ko na.. it was the first time i smiled fo real i felt relief rushed through me. but it’s scaring me at the same time..
i hate joining you guys for a drink after shift kc dadating yung ex ko. it’s not that i don’t want him to see you guys, but because, by the time na andun sya.. ikaw naman yung aalis pra puntahan si nicole. i remember the first time.. you were seated in front of me when he came. but even before we left, you were already gone. and when i asked them where you’ve been.. Tom will just say “kay kumander”. i was really affected then. i told my self na hindi na ulit ako sasama sa inyo. na ayoko ng nafi-feel ko kasi alam ko hindi yun tama.
when he can’t find a chance of having time for me in between his work and school and his family, you started asking me to join you guys. at first naiilang ako kasi, hindi naman talaga na ko nakikipag-barkada sa iba since he became my boyfriend. kasi bawal. so everything seems ok, everything seems so light.. you were always there and hindi ka na umaalis bigla bigla. i don’t know why. pero it made me happy.
our first kiss was really unexpected. madel, grace & carlo were teasing us then. we were all drunk. so carlo and madel kissed. carlo ang grace kissed. i was just laughing since i’m not used to those kind of things..mgrace was teasing me then saying “wag ka na umarte,tin! my anak ka na tapos kiss lang ilang n ilang ka?!” and they asked us to kiss. you were making faces then. fooling around as if you’re ok with the dare. and since ayoko mapahiya, i held your face in front of me, then i kissed you. on the lips. it didn’t last lomg. smuck lang di ba?! then we were just laughing about it afterwards. when it was time to go home.. you asked me if pwede mo ko ihatid sa bus terminal. and i said yes. you invited me to have breakfast first at BAANG coffee in timog. after having coffee and toast, we were on our way to GMA7. on the way there, you asked me y i gave in to the dare. i told you ayoko lang mapahiya. i was really stunned when you said
“our first kiss could’ve been better.. in a different place, in a different time.. when it’s just the two of us”
then i asked you “if bibigyan tyo ng chance to redo it.. what would you do?” you parked the car. held my face in front of you. then we kissed. again. i don’t know for how long. i just remember the feeling. it’s hard to explain, for it felt different. it felt right. i didn’t even think about him, or her at that time. dramatic as it may seem, pero that was the first time i closed my eyes when i kiss. i just felt it. your reaction then was really funny. you just said “wow!” still holding my face. when you let me go, i said “sorry.. baka may magalit..” then you just said “if hindi pa kita ihahatid ngayon pauwi sa inyo, baka kung saan kita dalhin.. baka iba ang magalit. hindi sino, pero ‘ano’.”
after that kiss, we were inseperable. almost. you were transferred across my station, and you always stand in front of me making funny faces. our officemates started to notice. and they were asking me what happened during the weekend. that’s when i rememeber, i din’t even have your phone number. we took our breaks together, we took our lunch together. and after our shift, you were with me in the rec room just watching tv, saying nothing. i was using my comforter then, and you asked me if it’s ok to share. i din’t see anything wrong, so i said yes. underneath the comforter, i thought you wre gonna hold my hand. but you didn’t. when we were about to go home, in front of our friends, i said “hey! wala ako number mo ah.. can i get it pra i know when you’re home safe?” you wrote it in a sticky note. before you left, they were teasing me, saying “ayos ka din kumuha ng # ah!” then you left. i don’t know if you really went home, or to her. that was only 6am. i texted you around lunch time, asking if you’re home safe. a few minutes later, “yes. thank you.” and that was it.
a few days have passed, yes we became really close. we never talked about him. not even her. Ice, being the closest to you told me “just enjoy it tin.. they’re on the rocks now. if you really like him, just be patient.”
tom, being the closest to me then, keeps on reminding me that what we’re doing is wrong. you have her and i have him. tom said “wag mo ipilit sarili mo sa kanya.. masasaktan ka lang..”
it was chris’ birthday, we all went to their apartment near SM North. it was 1am then, friday shift. we arrived together with ate vine & jaypru, all my bags are at the backseat of your car. we were all having fun, eating, drinking, singing with the rest of our officemates. at around 1am, your phone started ringing. i know it was her. you ignored it at first. but i know you want to answer it. i just said “sagutin mo n.. baka emergency,” then you went out. tom sat beside me, asking me what happened. “it’s her.” then i went to the bathroom. i started to cry. then i heard people shouting. i can’t go out. i’m so ashamed of my self. feeling ko kabit ako na humihiram ng oras mo. and that our time is up that moment when she called.
no one asked me to go out. i made it sure first that my eyes weren’t that red anymore, i went out. everyone was silent. i sat at the nearest sofa, not saying anything. then shiela and madel sat beside me. i just smiled. when keps knelt in front of me, he said “it’s ok if you want to cry tin.. we understand.” then my tears fell. ansakit. until now pg naiicp ko, ansakit sakit pa rin. then tom hugged me. when i stopped crying, Ice said “oo si nicole nga. tumawag yun friend niya, kelangan daw sya sunduin kasi lasing n lasing.” Madel said “minura ko siya. tang ina nya! andito sya kasama ka tapos bigla sya aalis pra dun sa isa!” Keps said “guys.. alam naman natin san un lugar nya.. i know na alam din naman ni tin yun..” i just smiled.. and said “guys thank you. ok na ko. sorry nasira ko yun birthday ni chris.. wg na lang natin pagusapan..”
after 3 hours or so (around 4.30am), you came back. the guys refused to let you go inside. i can’t cry anymore. nakakahiya na kasi. then i heard Ice said “guys hayaan nyo sya. si tin magdedecide if gusto nya magusap sila or not.” after a few minutes, all of them were all standing, waiting for you. then yon aid “Tin.. let’s go.” madel was the first one to come near me. “tangina mo jolo! anu ganun ganun na lang?! matapos mo puntahan yung girlfriend mo,lalapitan mo kaibigan ko na parang wala nangyari?!” i just said “gusto ko na umuwi. iwan mo na lang gamit ko..” “no! ako maghahatid sayo! sakin ka sasabay pauwi! kelangan kita makausap!” other guys were just staring at us. then tom said “wag na jolo. ok na si tin. bumalik ka na lng sa gf mo. kami na bahala kay tin. we’ll make sure na makakauwi sya” “no! sakin sya sasama!” then madel started shouting words that should’ve been said. when keps stopped her, he asked me “tin.. would you like to talk to him first?” i just nodded. we left. i texted madel sorry for everything and that i’ve decided to hear what you have to say first. i thought you were just going to drive me to GMA7 then. but you went straight to slex. while driving you tried to explain everything. you didn’t say where you took her, and i didn’t ask. i dont wanna hear the answer. you just said “i have to take her home. she’s so drunk. she said she’s gonna kill herself if hindi ako makikipag-ayos sa kanya.. that’s why i can’t leave her then.. sorry..” what i just remeber is that, i said yes when you asked me to forgive you. i didn’t say anything else.