062814

Today is the first time I’ll be rendering rest day over time (RDOT) since we broke up.

until March this year, after our shift, we’d go out on a date, either right after shift, or anytime that Sunday.

Last time we’d went out was March 9 where we’d went to Ayala Triangle Gardens to have breakfast in Chef Lau’s Pugon Roasters then we just sat under the acacia tree and took pictures.. it’s been too long since we had our pictures together. then that night we went to glorietta to watch 300: Rise of an Empire. (favorite line: “you fight harder than you fu**!”)

I miss those days. Even if I didn’t have much sleep, especially if we’d go out right after my shift.

I miss the Saturday morning breakfasts we’re having in ChickBoy in Jupiter,Makati..

The weekly Saturday morning trip to the bus terminal after we had breakfast..

Actually, it’s not only those that I miss.

I miss his smile.. his laughter.. his voice.

I miss how he took care of me, how he made me smile..

How he made me mad whenever he has a (big) booger on his finger.. and he’ll make me cry after he jokes on wiping it on me..

I miss cooking for him.. even if I wont be able to eat it since I’ll be going home to batangas..

I miss texting him every now and then..

I miss receiving text messages and calls from him even if we have nothing to talk about.. just because..

I miss going back to manila thinking he will wait for me in the drop off (alphaland or edsa)..

I miss the ride home to unit 5..

I miss the dirty dishes in the sink..

I miss the shoes scattered on the floor..

I miss the laundry and the green basket full of socks and his undies..

I miss the dirty bathroom tiles and walls..

I miss the green curtains that hasn’t been washed for 4 straight years..

I miss the smelly pillows and the crumpled blanket..

I miss the dirty, oily stove and the dirty trash can..

 

I miss everything we’ve done together.

I miss the things that I do for him.

I miss talking to him about everything..

I miss him..

I miss us..

And how it all was..

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my friends confirming about the 3pty.

june 3, 2014

me: “no! jolo can’t do that! he won’t cheat on me!”

friend 1: “no, tin. he already did! this isn’t the first time that i saw him with another woman.”

friend 2: “i saw him before too when our team mate asked me to have a yosi break. we saw then downstairs. i thought they’re just close. but they’re not just close. they said they’ve been seeing him there with that girl almost everyday during their first break around 4-4.30.”

i started to cry. he can’t do that.

me: ‘thanks guys for the concern.. but i know he really can’t do that. maybe he’s just close with those girls.. coz that’s what he is. he’s always been like that! but no, he’s definitely not cheating on me.”

friend 1: “antagal n nito tin! last year pa eh.. di ka man lang nagtanong.. di ka man lang nag-usisa. di mo man lang kami kinausap about him”

me: “kasalanan ko ba kung masyado ko lang syang mahal & sobra ako nagtiwala?”

friend 2: “wala ka man lang ba naramdaman? di ka man lang nagduda?”

me: “hindi eh. lagi naman kami magkasama. magkaiba man sched namin, lagi nya ko sinusundo & mgkasama naman kmi sa bahay kaya never ako nag-isip. hindi nga sya nagli-leave ng hindi ko kasabay eh”

friend 1: “hinde? baka gusto mo ibigay ko sayo yung dates na naka-leave sya?”

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random search. 062314

 

My boyfriend just broke up with me about a month ago. He says he still loves me and wants a relationship with me but right now he is not emotionally healthy enough to love me fully and handle a serious relationship. He says we’ll wait and see what happens in a couple of months, so perhaps we’re on more of a break than actually broken up. I truly believe everything he’s told me. We’ve broken up before and always because of his same problems. Am I being naive for believing he can change and hoping we’ll get back together? And he also tells me we’ll stay friends no matter what. I love him immensely and I don’t want to imagine a life without him. I just want to know if I’m being stupid, can a person really love someone and in the process not be able to be with them? Am I being naive?

<:article class=”node node-article node-promoted node-published node-not-sticky author-joel-dobben odd clearfix”>

 

I’m confused too. What does that even mean? Whatever his problems, I think you’re being jerked around, frankly, even if he is dealing with personal issues outside of your relationship. Moving on may be for the best. There appear to be two different possibilities here. The first is that something is seriously awry. He could be having family problems or even health problems like depression. He may feel that you shouldn’t be involved. At the same time, you care deeply about him, and his refusal to elaborate on his situation shows a lack of honesty. You are a potential source of enormous support, and he keeps refusing to lean on you. You don’t want a guy who refuses to trust you enough to tell you what’s going on when you’ve shown that you deserve that trust.

What really disturbs me is that this is a cycle. He may be genuinely troubled about outside matters, but it’s also possible that “not emotionally healthy enough” is a flowery way of saying that he’s confused about his particular feelings for you. We all get pretty confused about our feelings from time to time, granted, but this guy is a repeat offender. No healthy relationship can be totally ruled by uncertainty. I’m sure he has feelings for you, although perhaps not as strong as yours for him, but if he can’t commit to a relationship built on honesty then I’m not sure what another “soul search” will accomplish. You’re doing yourself a disservice if you wait around for anyone. I would feel less strongly about this if this hadn’t been a repeat occurrence or if the language he used were less vague and oddly dramatic.

You’re not naive and you’re definitely not stupid. You’re just letting personal feelings blind you to what’s best for you, which happens to everybody. I don’t know whether a person can really love someone and in the process not be able to be with her. I do know that this relationship seems to do nothing but hurt you. I’m guessing many of your friends feel the same way. It’s time to cut the ties. Don’t make any weepy e-mails or phone calls. Just stop talking to him. Go Gotye, is my new post-rejection motto. If there is any way you can avoid seeing him in the future, try. The silver lining in your situation is that he’s going abroad. You have time to heal. Stop living for some guy who isn’t even sure he wants you, and focus again on yourself as an individual.

 

reality check.

everytime i think of all the things that happenned these past few days..  it’s almost a month now since he asked me to let him go.. it felt like my heart’s about to explode.

i never thought he could and he would do this to me.. all the things/words and lies he said.. all the things he did.. sobrang sakit.. it really hurts that sometimes i just breakdown and cry as if it happenned on that very same day.

i’ve respected you… i’ve trusted you.. i’ve loved you inspite of everything.. but as days passes by.. yes i still love you.. but the respect seems to fade away..

i thought you would change. i thought you’ve changed.

i never thought that day would come..

a few days before you’ve asked me to let you go, you would always say i dont have to worry about anything as you’re not thinking of breaking up with me.. that you only need time and space to find yourself..

a few hours before you’ve asked me to let you go, you still told me you love me..

sabagay.. even before you asked me to leave our apartment.. you said you love me, and that you would never love anyone else more than you did for me..

masakit lang kasi i believed in everything you’ve said.

sabi mo pinapaniwalaan ko lang kasi yung mga gusto ko marinig..

hindi din eh..

kasi sa dami ng sinabi mo reason.. hindi ko na alam kung alin yung totoo..

kahit nakita ko na yung pictures nyo together.. kahit sinabi na sakin ng officemates mo na matagal ka na nila nakikita na may kasamang iba.. kahit nakuha ko na mismo yung letter sa kotse mo.. pinaniwalaan pa rin kita when you said hindi mo girlfriend yung mga yun.. na wala kang girlfriend.. na ako lang ang mahal mo..

anung nagyari sating dalawa..? i’ve built my dreams on you.. i’ve created my world around you.. kahit anak ko nga halos mapabayaan ko na para lang sayo.. para lang hindi mo ma-feel na nag-iisa ka..

what happened to you.. what happened to us..?

 

 

 

until then (side A)

i long for the moment
when i see you again
i long to touch and stroke your long black hair
how my heart longs to show you how much i care

i wait for the chance
to feel your hair so fine
through this hand of mine
i long just to say
how i love you this way
its you i adore
forevermore

chorus:
until then
all i have is just a memory of you
that i can hold on to
until then
all i have is just this luxury of time
to wait and think of you
coz you’ll be on my mind
until then

i go on believing
i see you standing there
with the wind blowing through your hair
i know that one day
i’ll get you to stay
and together we’ll soar
forevermore

chorus

i long for the moment
i long for the time
i’ll take all my chances
until you are mine

chorus

until then…
until then…
until then…