I just wanted to tell you I’m saying goodbye. To you and the friends we share.
For the past few days, I’ve actually been doing fine without you. I didn’t think about you AT ALL. I forgot about you. I don’t even cry now. Probably just once or twice, and it was just a single tear. Our break up fucked me up, worse than when Manny and I broke up. Hell, I saw my best friend for the first time in how many years, and the first thing she told me was, “What the hell happened to you? He messed you up. I’ve never seen you like this before. You used to be so sweet and believed in love like a hopeless romantic. Now… there’s no other way to describe it.”
I think it’s because you gave me hope. You made me hope. After Manny, I didn’t think I could find another love because I thought he was “the one.” With you? I didn’t know if you were the one. But you made me feel safe. Unlike him, I wasn’t stupid with my emotions. I was careful with you, I did everything right, I made sure my feelings were real. And most of all, I trusted you. That’s why you leaving me was so hard – it was different. It was a hopeful love, an innocent love, a secure and safe love. Not the crazy, passionate, impulsive, risky love with him.
You told me to be apathetic, to date other guys. I did just that.
I didn’t fuck. I drowned myself in parties, in alcohol/beer, in so many SUPER WASTED nights (you know I don’t drink) – that in the end I realized I DIDN’T KNOW MYSELF ANYMORE. Everything was a blur. It just felt good to enjoy and get lost in the moments, even though it always ended as soon as the parties stopped. Then i realized, I’m done breaking myself. I’m done trying to move on from you.
I met a guy. He made me laugh. I didn’t fall in love with him, of course, and we’re not in a relationship – but he made me laugh. It felt good to know that even though my heart was almost as cold as ice like yours is, it was still possible for someone to make me laugh. I kind of felt hopeless after being with so many people and not feeling anything – but he made me laugh. And that’s enough.
I thought about you again for the first time in a long time. But I wasn’t sad. I remembered the happy memories – the way you’d smile at me when you’d hold my face, the way you tease me about the mole in my toe, or when you stopped in the middle of sex just to look me in the eye and softly say, “Hey. I love you.”
Most of all that… look. That smile. You always had this expression on your face when you’d look at me without saying anything. Even when we were just talking on line or wechat, it was there. Silent and smiling, you’d look at me with such gentle love and affection in your eyes. I was never afraid of anything, of being vulnerable, when you give me that look. Safe. You made me feel safe.
But a few days after that it changed. I remembered how you looked on our last day together. Before you left when you said ‘bye’ for the first time since I met you.. You looked at me and there was this expression on your face – like you wanted to say something, say goodbye, say you love me one last time. But you didn’t. It was the saddest look you’ve ever given me, and I think that’s the memory of you that I will never ever forget.
I cooked for you, I washed your underwear (a few times, especially when you forgot all about it when you went to australia), i’ve created scrapbooks, I’ve written you letters.. things i’ve never done to any of my ex boyfriends, not even Gabu’s father.. I think when I remembered that, that’s when the pang hit my chest. I felt hurt again.
You were supposed to be in love with me. You said you LOVED me. And you left me because you couldn’t come back, yet you found someone new.. and worse.. you found her months before you broke up with me.. you told me you love me more than her.. but you chose to be with her.. I deserved better than that.
I still write about you. I’ve been writing about you this entire time, even until today my posts are usually about you. But I don’t need you to read my blog anymore. Now, I write because I write. I don’t write because I want you to hear me. I no longer need you to listen.
I am being honest and telling you all this because it’s who I am. But do not mistake this letter as a sign of weakness. This is not for your benefit. This time, I’m writing for me.
I don’t even know if you read all of this. I don’t expect anything from you. I know you. Your heart is empty, and cold, and apathetic. And you probably never felt a thing those months before we broke up, and I think you don’t even give a shit right now. Emotionless and indifferent, as usual. Unfeeling.
It hurts to see you happy without me. You treated me as if I were dead. As if I were a stranger. My best friends say that you’re an asshole. I told them you were a good person with a kind heart. They still said you were an asshole for the way you handled our break-up, and that I should stop making excuses for you.
I know, it’s selfish of me doing this. But I can’t. You were always SO MUCH BETTER THAN ME in killing your emotions, so that’s why I have to do this. Because I’m not as strong as you. Because I found out I still love you. And now I know that you didn’t love me. That it wasn’t real. It hurts, there’s a tiny prick in my chest when I’m reminded of you happy without me in your life at all. And I don’t want to wait until that tiny pain I feel grows bigger.
And I’m okay. I’m not depressed anymore. I’m not drowning myself in parties to forget you. I’m sad, it kind of hurts, and it’s a little lonely sometimes when I remember you – but I’m okay. I’m finding my way back to myself, and I know just a little bit more time I’ll be 100% fine again. I’m happy, I’m GREAT actually, and I’m okay.
I’m sorry for any mistakes I’ve done, as well. I’m not angry at you anymore. I’m not confused anymore, I’m not bitter about our break up anymore, and I’m not desperate to get you back anymore. I forgive you. And I understand you. And I accept it.
I’m not going to contact or message you. I’m going to start forgetting you the same way you forgot me.
And the world is SO BIG with SO MANY MANY MANY PEOPLE in it, that we might never see each other again. Not unless we move to different countries.
So this isn’t my goodbye yet, Jolo. We’ll see each other again. We’ll talk to each other again after tonight. I may be out of your life. (And maybe you don’t care anymore, but I need to do this for myself)
People say I should act indifferent with you, because letting you know my thoughts and feelings would make me a “loser” to the break up and make me look pathetic. They say I should be brave and show you no emotion whatsoever and just block you right away.
But you know I hate regrets, and I don’t want to regret not saying everything I want to say.
And besides, you were so wonderful to me. You were so so so wonderful to me. And I need to let this all out, one last time, before I go.
Thank you so much for being kind to me when we were together.
Thank you for all the happy and good memories.
I’m glad I can look back at them now and also smile, instead of just being hurt.
Hey? When you find that girl, that girl you’ll fall in love with FOR REAL, tell her for me that she’s the luckiest girl in the world. Please take care of her better than you did for me.