it was during the times that he asked for time for him to ‘look for himself’. He knew I never believed in cool-offs. Kasi for me.. bakit kelangan mo pa ng time kung break up din naman ang ending nun? Don’t ask for some time alone if hindi naman kayo magbe-break.. kasi I believe n ‘absence makes the heart forget’.
There was a time na I told him “if you need time.. sige I’ll give it to you. Baka kasi yun lang ang way para hanapin mo ko ulit.. baka dun mo ma-realize na hindi mo pala kaya na mawala ako.. kasi sabi mo diba.. gusto mo ma-feel na pwede ako mawala..” I was crying so hard then.. pero he just told me “ikaw nga mismo hindi naniniwala sa cool-off. Then sasabihin mo na yun yung kelangan ko?”
A few days have passed after nun.. yes, everyday we try to avoid discussing things. Pero somehow we talk pa din about our situation.. there were times na I wasn’t aware of the things happening around me.. all I know is that by 2:30 in the afternoon, he needs to go to work.
There was a time na I was getting my tumbler from the freezer when I’ve noticed the food inside our ref. dun ko lang naisip kelan ba ko last na kumain.. after checking the calendar.. it was 3days nap ala after I had food in my stomach. Knowing na I have gastroenteritis.. parang it’s hard to think why wala ako na-feel during the past few days na I haven’t eaten. Pero before hindi ko kinakaya pag hindi ako kumakain on time..
Whenever we talk, and he has too many things to say.. as much as I wanted to listen.. wala na ko marinig. There was a time na iyak lang ako ng iyak.. from 9am until maybe 1:30pm. Kasi that was the time na he needs to prep up na coz he’s going to the office na by 2:30pm. What I know lang is bigla na lang ako nagulat na I was just blankly in the ref’s direction.. then I was talking to my self na. parang there was a snap! Then sabi ko sa sarili ko “this has to stop..” kasi I’m already talking to my self na eh. I remember one time that same thing happened, sinampal nya ko then he told me “wag ka magbaliw-baliwan! Alam mo na hindi pwede kasi kelangn mo kayanin lahat ng to para kay gabu!”
Pati anak ko dinamay pa talaga..
Now, looking back at those times.. hindi ko pa din magawang magalit. Pero naiinis ako. Kasi biglaan lahat.. one moment ok kami.. we were still fooling around.. then biglang nanahimik na lang sya.. then biglang nakipagbreak sya.. then biglang meron pictures & ibang evidences n lumabas.. then biglang meron police report.. everything happened in two months or so lang..
Sabagay.. sabi nga ni momy.. “ikaw lang kasi ang nabigla.. sa kanya dati pa nya napag-aralan kung anu gagawin & kung anu mangyayari..”
I don’t know what’s wrong with my mom. Or is there something wrong with me. But after he filed for the police report.. my mom said “naaawa ako kay jolo.. kasi hindi ganyan pagkakakilala ko sa kanya.. hindi nya magagawa to ng sya lang ang magiisip.. andami gumugulo sa isip nya na hindi na nya iniisip yung mga bagay na ginagawa nya. Anlaki ng effect ng dad nya sa kanya.. na pati mama nya sinisisi na din nya why lumaki sya mag-isa..”
How can I tell her.. no one really know who he is and what else can he do..