I stopped checking my inbox when I realized that each message I received would not be from the person that I desperately wanted to hear from.. With every ding on my phone, one message was always missing. I realized though, that I had never sent one to you. Many times, I turned over a new page of the notepad whilst my hands shook, staining ink on my hands. My hands were stained with the ghosts of words that I wanted you to read but I never knew what they were. I’ve always attempted to write our story on my blog, but I can’t even start it.. now.. I know why I just can’t do it.. because it will be plotless. Still, each day I waited.
But there never were words to describe you. You occupied the space between love and un-love from the start. I remember our first meeting and I remember seeing a kindness in you before. But after everything that had happened, it is a kindness that I can never trust. Your moves towards me were as unsubtle as a checkmate. I did not love you at first. I could not love someone who so utterly trapped me. A period of my life is now partially lost. Memories are afflicted with the strange light of sadness. It is like thinking in sepia.
You were not the man that I woke up to each day as the sun streamed through my curtains. You were not the warm presence in my bed through cold nights when the moon shone brighter than any of the stars. You were never my lover but often professed to be my savior. You offered me company when I felt alone, dried my tears of frustration but left me, unsure as to whether you could handle the real me that I kept hidden beneath my make up.
You wore me down until I broke. It turned out that I am just a plaything, a toy to be discarded. Even now, I am of no interest to you until you find yourself alone. You keep both a veneer of disgust and sympathy ready when we happen to meet, I never sure which I am to be greeted with. You frighten me and you know. The break down of our friendship was bitter. You tried to pull my friendships from under my feet and tore down any confidence you helped me build. Since that day, I have struggled to find my old self. I stopped caring about my appearance, I stopped caring about my feelings and I hurt those closest to me. I became ill but I will never be able to blame you completely. Contrary to the opinions of others, I believe that am responsible for what happened. For their sakes though, I have started to open up again, participate in life a little and have strangely, gained stronger new friendships.
In the end, I rebuilt my relationship. I have had to learn how to gain another’s trust again and repair the wounds that led me to you in the first place. I am lucky in that I have someone to love me and share love with but it will take time to forget whatever it was we had. People do not talk often of those they fall for outside a relationship but I hope that someone reads this and realizes that it is a cryptic game that can never be won. I hope that one day, you remember me fondly and perhaps write a letter of your own. I will never wish to read it but I’ll always check my inbox, just in case.