being the other woman

Being the other woman – you know it’s wrong, you know your world will be shattered, but you do it anyway. You convince yourself that since you are not the one cheating, it’s okay. You convince yourself that all the “I love you’s” and all the open-ended promises actually mean something. It’s a fairytale; a world that you’ve created and are so wrapped up in that it’s hard to tell what’s real and what’s not.

Even though you knew everything was wrong and that one day you would lose everything, you went ahead and decided to be the other woman. you weren’t blind butnaïve. you had dated for a year already and after he two-timed me, you should have given up. But you were weak; and he had your emotions and your heart wrapped around his finger. He begged you to hold on, to stay put for months on end. you did because nothing else felt right. He was your new home. Everything about your world mingled with his and you was never strong enough to walk away. and I let myself be treated as if I was worthless.

For those people who think it’s easy being the other woman, I am here to tell you it’s not. For those who think I’m a bad person, because i did it myself once, trust me I know what I did was wrong. Being the other woman hurts you as much as it does anyone else. I was the other woman for quite some time too – months of my life that I actively let someone else dictate; that I let someone else take away from me.

i felt worthless. I questioned why you were never enough, you beg for answers and you try to clear your conscience. i try to understand how something could feel so real and so amazing. How i could let someone trick me into feeling loved. my mind races because i will always be the other girl and never worth the real deal.

What I am here to tell you is that picking yourself back up is nearly impossible. our conscience will never be cleared and the questions we ask will never be answered. we’ll never get the time of day you deserve and we’ll continue to feel like we’re not worth it. Everyone tells us time heals everything. Time makes it worse – time makes us think and makes our mind race. Acceptance is the healing power. we accept that we knew what we were getting into when we started this, we accept that we will never get answers and we accept that we were not worth it to him. Then—then after all of that—we accept that we have to tell the next man you are with that you were the other woman—that you lied, cheated and covered up the truth. Tears will stream down our face but after we accept the truths, we pick ourselves up and realize that for someone out there, we will be worth three things: love, truth and a committed relationship

 

letter from a friend

Dear friend,

You are absolutely right. The prettiest person or most accomplished person has the same highs and lows that everyone else has. You may not think that you are a “standout” to John or Shane, but think about how many people consider you to be a “standout” friend? I sure do. I can have conversations with you that I can’t have with anyone else. And the fact that you didn’t end up with the boys who let you go is a good thing — why constantly chase a supporting role in someone else’s life? I know you can agree with me in wanting to find your equal. And I think this is God’s way of just leading us away from things that aren’t the best possible fit for us.

One thing we were both able to achieve is moving on with grace (and sadness, tears, and probably yelling) but overall grace in how we didn’t let those failed relationships define us. I thank God for putting Gavin in my path – even though he’s leaving and it’s not going to continue – because he taught me that I can connect with people and then simply let them go if the timing isn’t right. And although I was sad as hell when he told me, the next day I immediately felt a little bit empowered that I was able to love and let go. And if that happens 3 or 4 or 8 more times until I find my husband, then I’ll be that much more prepared, am i right?!

Annnnnnd when all else fails, you just watch some Sex and the City episodes to remind yourself that we are babies – infants really – when it comes to having to feel rushed to find a man and settle down. We are so young. And in 3 years we will still be so young. So I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m going to spend whatever time I have between now and my wedding day to get lots of practice in. Practice in learning to be open without completely feeling empty and lost if it doesn’t work out. Practice in learning to connect and build relationships that don’t necessarily have to be romantic or with a “marriage date” in sight, and most of all, practice in learning about who the heck I am and what I want. If we look at it through that lense, we really couldn’t be in better situations. And I feel beyond lucky to have you by my side along the way.

 


friend….

excerpt ba to? i can’t believe you could write something like this! hehehehe.. love you!

my kind of soulmate

Everyone wants to believe in their one true love. They want to believe in love’s true kiss, the chill-you-to-your-bones first look when you fall in love, and the earth-shattering moment you’ve found the person you can’t live without. You want to imagine the day when nothing else matters but the hand you’re holding, the eyes that watch you fall asleep and the smile that wakes you in the morning. 

Everyone wants to believe in finding his or her soulmate. The person that fits you so completely, you’re not sure how you survived so long without them. The person that finishes your thought even before you have, and pushes you to reach even higher than your dreams. Everyone wants to wait for the person that fills you with so much joy that you forget what sorrow is. The person that you take the most important walk with – down the aisle.

I am all for this happily ever after. But, I am more for the morning after… And I don’t mean the pill.

I mean the morning after a great night out when your best friend and you spend the day in your pajamas talking about the disasters that occur after midnight. The morning after that turns into an afternoon filled with Tijuana Flats and ice cream… because that’s what weekends are for. 

I am all for finding your soulmate. But, maybe you don’t recognize the one that you already have.

My kind of soulmate is the one that takes a spontaneous road trip with you when you’re feeling sad. The kind of person that drives to your house when you’re crying, picks you up, and moves you into theirs for an undetermined stay. The kind of friend that listens to you say the exact same thing a million times over, always with a good set of advice, until one day you’re over it and returning the favor.

My kind of soulmate is someone that remembers your birthday without Facebook, and sends you thoughtful gifts from another continent. The type of person that tells you how it is no matter how brutal because they know it’s best for you. The kind of person that knows all your deepest secrets and tattoos them on their hearts as if it were their own.

My kind of soulmate is the one that makes you laugh until you pee your pants, and continues to laugh when you do. The kind of person that will forgive you because there are too many moments to miss out on by staying mad. The type of friend that will judge everyone else with you, but will never judge you no matter what you could’ve done. 

My kind of soulmate is the one that finds a way to make you smile at your darkest. The type of person that tells you when you’re wrong, and builds you up when you’re wrong about yourself. The kind of friend that will take selfies with you at the bar and not give a shit about who’s watching. The kind of person that believes in you even when you don’t believe in yourself. 

My kind of soulmate is my best friend, and I’m so thankful to have him. So, take this moment to thank yours. Thank them for the nights that turn into mornings, and for the mornings that turn into nights. Thank them for all the empty wine bottles and the clothes borrowed that you’ll always be missing. Thank them for the memories you’ll never forget and all of the ones to come. Most importantly, thank them for being the one that you can count on when the rest of the world is reading fairytales. 

I know I’ll find that knees-weak, heart-racing, smile-you-can’t-avoid kind of love one day. But for now, I already found my soulmate. And they have to approve of Mr. Right, anyway.

 

the pros and cons of sleeping with a married (taken) man

Pros:

  • The person is cheating on someone for you, which makes you feel more desirable than being with someone who has nothing to lose by being with you.

  • Married men are likely older men. Older men are better at sex. Like, a lot better.

  • Plus, secret sex is automatically elevated in terms of how turned on you are. There’s always an element of “we shouldn’t be doing this.”

  • There is no pressure in the relationship. You are fun. The relationship is fun. There’s no “where is this going” because it is, by definition, not going anywhere. No other kind of relationship has this “defined from the start” freedom to it.

  • It’s a concrete “fuck you” to the kind of Stepford life everyone is pressuring you to have.

  • You make him feel desirable, which is something you lose after being in a relationship for a long time, so it’s fun to make someone really happy.

  • They will compliment the shit out of you because you’re a novelty to them. You have all the things that seem awesome to them, only because they’ve forgotten what it’s like to be young and single.

  • Their male friends will love you, which is both creepy and fun.

Cons:

  • If people found out, some of them will hate you for it.

  • The title sucks. “Other woman” versus [implied regular] “woman” means that you are the beta version to someone else’s alpha. Which is true, and unflattering. I don’t want to be second to anyone.

  • You have to schedule around their “real” life.

  • It’s somewhat depressing to meet someone who seems really cool and relatable and then they are like “my wife hasn’t given me a blow job in two years” because that’s your future. The wife loves him, I’m sure she’s not an evil monster, but how does that happen? Am I really that much different that I won’t fall into whatever sleep she has? It’s a glimpse into what your future could be like, and it is not good.

  • Invariably, their loyalty is to their wife/family so you aren’t even on the top tier of things they care about. Which doesn’t feel great.

  • Sincerely feel bad for the wife. I’m not out to ruin anyone’s life. I didn’t solicit the situation and I don’t feel it’s my karma to deal with since I’m perfectly single, but she ever finds out and cares a lot, I’m going to have a giant “look at my life, look at my choices” moment

Mom: “naaalala ko nun nagkasakit ng sabay si jolo at ang anak mo.. iniwan mo sakin anak mo para asikasuhin sya. nsa QC pa sya nun ha! wala ba sya kamag-anak na magaalaga sa kanya?!  oo nga, hindi ko pababayaan ang anak mo.. pero anak mo yun!”

Me: “mie.. tapos na yun.. sorry na nga dba..”

Mom: “hindi yun eh.. isinasacrifice mo pati oras mo para sa anak mo. para sa kanya. pero nun nagkasakit ka nun may, anu ngyari? sinamahan ka nya ilan beses? 2? 3? tpos magluluto ka paguwi kahit masama pakiramdam mo para paguwi nya kakain na lang sya. sito ba nagawa mo yun?! hinde! tapos mambababae pa rin pala! pinagisa ka nya sa bahay! tapos sbi mo nkta ng kaibigan mo sa makati med nun march or april kasama yung babae?! anong klaseng lalake yan?! pag sa pamilya nya at sa kanya isinasakripisyo mo oras mo para samin! eh nun nga nagkasakit daddy mo, tinanong ka pa nya kung pupunta sya. nun huling na-confine anak mo nun birthday nya (2014).. ano.. tinanong ka kung gusto mo na pumunta sya? kung tanggap nya anak mo at kung talagang mahal ka nya.. hindi na kelangan tanungin! kung hindi pa sa mga pinsan at kapatid mo wala ka makakasama sa ospital! sa kanila ba ginawa mo yan?!”

Mom: “pag andito mama nya, halos hindi ka na nakakatulog ng maayos para lang masamahan sya. lalo na nun 2013. tapos ngayon malalaman mo na habang ikaw nagpapakapuyat sa pagsama sa mama nya.. sya naman busy sa pambababae. oo naaappreciate naman namin yung ginawa & ibinigay ng mama nya sayo. kahit sya, may nagawa din naman sya para sayo. pero hindi sapat na reason yun para mambabae sya at sabihin na lahat naman ginawa nya pra sayo..”

Me: “mie, ganun talaga.. nakakabulag ang sobrang love.”

Mom: “oo. naging tanga ka pa. gusto ko sya intindihin. gusto ko maawa  sa kanya.. pero hindi eh! kung nasasaktan ka, mas nasasaktan ako, lalo na daddy mo! nakakasama lang ng loob kasi.. kahhit may sakit ako.. hindi na ko makabangon pero pag dumadating sya sa bahay at natutulog dito ng ilan ilan araw.. inaasikaso ko sya. oo wala kami naibigay sa kanya tulad ng mga naibigay ng mama nya sayo.. pero yung pagaasikaso namin sa kanya.. yung ibang tao ba nagawa yun sa kanya? yun lang naman yung ikinasasama ng loob namin ng daddy mo. tinanggap namin syang tao dito, higit pa sa tunay na anak ang turing namin sa kanya. pero binastos nya kami. nakakatulog pa sya sa bahay natin ng ilan-ilan araw.. tapos nambababae na pala!”

Me: “ako na naga po nagsosorry para sa kanya..”

Mom: “hinde! mali yan! hindi ikaw ang may kasalanan bakit sya ganyan.. tinolerate mo lang! yun ang pagkakamali mo!”