It was last September 1st that I remember that this would be the first Christmas that I won’t be celebrating without a boyfriend (since I’ve started dating).
Last year, I told him “dapat January pa lang naghahanap na tayo ng mga gift para sa relatives natin.. para nakukumpleto natin & they’ll say n pinagisipan talaga yung mga gifts!” his aunt, tita beth once teased him “ok pala na gf tong si tin.. mula nun naging kayo marunong na magregalo si jolo! Dati kasi mama lang nya bumibili eh!”
Last year, it was the 1st time I’ve bought chrsitmas decors. It may not be for our own Christmas tree, but together, the two of us assembled it. Ang sarap nun feeling. Jolo said “ginawa ko to kasi gusto ko maging happy ka. The last time we’ve set up a christmas tree, dad was still with us. Si mama naman, after dad left us, hindi na sya nag-set up ng christmas tree. Now, this is for you. Kasi all I wanted is to make you happy, kahit sa gnitong simpleng paraan. And pag meron na tayo sariling bahay, I’ll buy you a big one! Pero hindi totoong tree ha. Mahal. Sayang. Hehe..” And I loved him for that. Kasi growing up from an Iglesia ni Cristo family, we never had a Christmas tree at home. My aunt would just let me decorate theirs before until I went into college. When I started working, that was one of my plan. To buy our own christmas tree at home.
I’ve started buying gifts last weekend. I already have a list of those people I’ll be giving gifts. As I’ve gone through my list, I didn’t notice na I was looking at the one I did a few months ago when we were still together. I saw his relatives’ names.. meg, xavier.. his inaanaks jandrei.. & his friends (who used to be my friends too) ida, jenkin.. and the team mates from HRCC. So I have to make a new list, and I only bought those for my officemates’ kids.
I hate doing that. Those people doesn’t have to do with what happened to us. With ida.. actually I’m not sure. But I hope she’s not part of it, hindi sya nanulsol. So I have to crossout names one after another.
I remember jolo saying (after we broke up) “you can still go to our family affairs.. k-close mo naman sila.. pero kung meron na ko bagong gf.. hindi na pwede. Kasi awkward na. ayoko naman na andun ka.. tapos dadating ako na meron kasamang iba.. masasaktan ka lang”
That’s why I know he’ll never come back. There’ll be no second (or third or fourth) chance for us. Even before pa pala.. he’s thinking of having someone else with him during their family affairs. Samantalang ako, all I think of is how to deal with his family.. how to please them.. what to give them on holidays.. Just like what tita beth (his aunt) said, “ok lang naman sa family kahit anu gawin nya.. hindi na kami magmamalinis.. kasi ganun din naman yung iba namin relatives. That’s why we’re so used to it. You should’ve known this could happen. You should’ve expected the worst. Next time.. alamin mo yung history ng family habang maaga, para prepared ka. I know it hurts. But shit happens sometimes.” Jolo even told me “ok lang naman mambabae ako.. or kahit anu gawin ko. Kasi kinukunsinte aq ni mama. Kahit anu gawin ko.. alam ko never sya magagalit sakin. Kasi kaming 2 lang naman magkakampi.”
I still wish him well. I don’t want something bad happen to him. I know I wouldn’t know. I wish no one would tell me. but I still care. I hope someone will make him realize all the wrong things he has done. Kasi naaawa ako sa mama nya. She just wanted what’s the best for him. I’m not the best. But I saw how happy she was when we’re still together. I made a promise to his mom that I’d do everything for him. na kami ng family ko yung bahala sa kanya while his mom’s away. That’s why I asked for his mom’s forgiveness when we broke up. Kasi I can no longer fulfill my promise. Kasi he doesn’t want me to. And I cant do anything anymore but give what he wants. Because that’s all I want to do. Make him happy, even if I’m no longer part of it.. even if his happiness means I have to let him go.. even if it means he’d be happier without me.. with someone else.. even if his happiness means my loneliness.. coz I know, he’d be happy without me.
Now, a few more days before chrsitmas, all I’d ever want is to spend each day with my son.. as many days as possible. Just to make it up to him. for the past few years.. for the past 4 christmas(ses), I’ve been spending it with jolo. And I’ve been so unfair to my son. Maybe this was God’s way of letting me realize I’ve been an inrresponsible mom to my son. And my age isn’t an excuse anymore. I’m already 28. My son is growing up and he needs me. I have to be there for him any other way. He took him away from me just so I can be with my son.
All I wanted then was the best Christmas ever. A family. For me, and for my son. But also for him. since he grew up without his dad. Best christmas? Him, me and my son. Or him, me and his mom. But now, I can only expect to have the best Christmas ever. With just me and my son. It could still be the best. But incomplete. Someday.. it will be..
A friend of mine is a single mother to an adorable 3 year old boy. She had been dating a guy – let’s call him Jim – for about a month and he hadn’t met her son yet. To prove that he was completely cool with her having a kid, Jim shows up one Saturday afternoon, completely unannounced, with a huge teddy bear for the confused toddler. This adorable little boy looked up at his mother and said, “Mommy… Who is this?” To which my friend responded, “Baby, this is Mommy’s friend Jim. And he was just leaving.”
Now I’m sure that he is a really nice guy. He just doesn’t understand the ins and outs of dating a woman with a child. So to all of the Jim’s out there, here is some advice:
1) You do not decide when it’s time to meet the kids. Single mothers protect their children from guys they just started dating and you should respect that. If your relationship fizzles out a month from now, no mother wants their child saying, “Mommy, where’s your friend Jim? I miss him.” A mom won’t introduce you to her child until she’s certain it will last a while.
2) Respect the rules. All moms have rules, for their children and their boyfriends. Even after a man has met your child, there are lots of rules. My number one rule as a single mother: No sleeping over! Even when my daughter was too young to realize what was going on, no sleeping over. A man who whines about these rules will be shown the door, permanently.
3) Don’t bring a gift every time you come over. This may seem like an odd request, but how many teddy bears do you think a child needs? And you are not Santa! My child should not associate your arrival with presents.
4) Understand, you are not the most important part of your girlfriend’s life. She has prior commitments. No matter how great the relationship is going, you can’t monopolize all of your momma’s time. She has things to take care of. (By things, I mean the beautiful child that she loves more than you. Yes… she loves her baby more than you! Deal with it!)
5) Kill the P.D.A. You might think it’s sweet and flirtatious. Moms think it’s completely inappropriate, especially if their children might see you. A hug good bye is fine. Any more than that, she might slap your hands like you’re a toddler. And you’ll deserve it.
6) Grow up, just a little. We realize you’re still single and having fun. That’s great! But most ladies don’t want a phone call at 3:00am when you’re leaving the bar. The kids went to bed seven hours ago and she’s been asleep since 11pm. Glad you’re having a great night. Tell her about it tomorrow.
7) Respect the Ex. In a perfect break-up, no one ever sees their ex again. When you have children, you see your ex once or twice a week. No matter how much a new boyfriend hates the baby’s daddy, Shut up Jim! This is the father of her child. If you want to have a future with her, you’re going to have to learn to deal with him.
8 ) Have fun! You’re in a great place. You get to be the silly, fun and entertaining one. You don’t have to discipline or change any diapers or argue over nap time. Enjoy it! Because kids are wildly entertaining and will play any game you can make up. A couple hours of hide and seek, and they’ll love you more than a million teddy bears.
2011. someone was using the bathroom at home (batangas). Gabu needs to pee. After he found out that the door was locked, he immediately went to the front door in the living room, peed, then I heard you shouting “gabu!” when I came to where you’re at, you told me “anu bay an beh.. hindi ba tinuturuan si gabu.. parang aso!” perhaps you only mean well.. I know it isn’t right for him to get used to it. Wala lang choice yung bata. Isa lang cr sa bahay namin, nagkataon lang na meron gumagamit. And besides.. aso? You know gabu has developmental issues right?
2012. gabu needs to be evaluated by a developmental pedia. I told you I have to bring him here in manila either I look for a nanny, or I have to tag my mom along. Since we live together, kala ko automatic ibig sabihin satin sila titira for the mean time. You told me “beh kung ditto titira si gabu.. sino magaalaga sa kanya? Mahirap mghanap ng yaya. Kung tyong dalawa lang, mahirap kasi yung schedule natin panggabi tyo pareho. Kung iiwan natin yung yaya sa bahay pag gabi, beh andami natin gamit.. alam mo naman na makalat ako. And mahihirapan tyo kasi halos wala tayo tulog nun..” so on and so forth. Wait. Ako lang ba nag-isip na ayaw mo na kasama natin sa bahay si gabu?
Scenario 3 .
May 2014. It was already passed 1 in the afternoon and we’re about to have our lunch at home (batangas). My mom cooked sinigang. We had our breakfast before 9. Gabu is used to eat every 2 hours. While I was still preparing the plates and all, you saw gabu taking a string of kangkong from the bowl. I heard you raise your voice “gabu wag..! … gabu! Hindi ka masabihan ha! Para kang patay gutom!”
I remember this one time when I heard my mom and dad arguing, almost whispering to each other, trying to hold down their voices because you might hear them. My dad saw you nun pinalo mo si gabu. I don’t know what happened why you did that. Kaya lang samin kasi as much as possible hindipagbubuhatan ng kamay yun bata kasi nga he’s special, he’s different from normal kids of his age and that they should be disciplined in a different way. I thought you, of all people, understand. You should understand. You should’ve understood his situation.
And yes, I appreciate the fact that you include gabu in our plans. When we’re looking for a condo unit, you keep on saying “etong room na to para kay mama.. eto para kay gabu, and sa magiging anak natin. Tapos eto para sating dalawa..”. when you were checking out new cars, you keep on saying “maliit na yung vios para satin. Si mama, ako, ikaw, si gabu, si tita beth.. we need a bigger one.” Pero after we broke up, you told me “I want to be there for gabu.. kasi kay gabu wala ako obligasyon.. dumating man ako o hinde, ok lang..”
it was my birthday last monday. yes, some of my friends greeted me via Facebook. some did send me text messages. if not for Facebook, will they know that it was indeed my birthday? I know keith would. since we were once the best of friends during college years. i’m sure mike and van would definitely remember it. my cousins, and other relatives, yes. don’t get me wrong. i appreciated the effort coming from my facebook friends (classmates, and acquaintaces). with my office friends, it was only alvin who greeted me the next day. he announced it to the team, so others greeted me as well. i didnt expect nga na he’ll remember it. but with my other office friends, those whom i thought know me too well.. well.. so much for me keeping tab on their birthdays. sbi nga, it’s better to give than to receive 😉
i’ve applied for the Admin Assistant post in February 2013. i was excited, to say the least. especially since i believed i am qualified for the said post. well, who would want to apply if they didn’t believe they’re qualified, right? anyway.. so i’ve submitted my CV and all that, making sure my previous job of the same title was highlighted. it’s been 2 days after i’ve sent my application when we had our town hall meeting. i haven’t got any reply yet from the recruitment then. then our AVP announced that we are on moratorium for 6 months so we cannot transfer jobs/functions. i was upset. because it limits my chance of having a new work envinroment, but still with the same company.
a few days after, we were out in the break room discussing the internal job postings (IJP) that we have applied for, sharing the same sentiment because of the moratorium. there was this person, who used to be an agent at that time, who was sharing info about the posts she’d seen in taleo (carreer website/intranet). She said she had applied for an admin assistant post. basically, a personal secretary to one of the department heads or something of the same level. i asked her who will she be reporting for if she gets hired. she said
“country manager. kelangan nila yung meron experience. eh di ba call center ka lang naman? so hindi ka pwede mag-apply dun kasi qualifications pa lang, hindi ka na qualified.”
i just kept silent. coz i don’t want to burst her bubble in front of other people. since i know she’ll get promoted for another post anytime soon. One of our common friends aproached me and whispered “di ba receptionist ka dati? and ilan years ka na nagwo-work di ba? di ka naman newbie. bakit ayaw mo sumagot?” i just said “yaan mo na sya. ayaw padaig eh. sya na magaling!”
My first job was in June 2006 in Sandz Enterprise Business Solutions as a receptionist/admin assistant/technical support coordinator. I was the secretary of the technical team, handling the engineers’ itinerary, schedules and dispatch. i do the minutes, and other admin task. i also handled the front office, taking in calls, working as an operator, doing inventories, telemarketing, and others.
can i just send her my CV? just because we were working in the same office means we have the same work history. she can’t compare me to her. at that moment, not intending to be mean, i asked my self “what school are you from and what degree or diploma do you have?”
back in 2010, when the recruiter handed me my Job Offer, and after seeing the figures, i was glad. of course it was still more than what i’m getting from my current employer then. so i accepted it and signed. after a week, one of my new wavemates and (her big mouth) was discussing how much was her basic pay and how much she’s getting about less than a month ago. i was surprised. she’s been offerred way too much than i do.
after a few months, one of my team mates was telling us how much she was getting from her previous job. someone asked her “Php27000? gaano ka na ba katagal sa call center?” “five (5) months.” “graduate ka college?” “hinde. 1st year college lang ako. gusto ko nga pumasok ulit kaya lang nakakatamad n kc xempre kumikita n q eh!” i was so upset. she’s earning more than what i do. and to think na i started working since 2007!
of course i can’t comment or even react to what she said. so there i was, vrey upset with what i’ve learnt. and so i’ve told my boyfriend. we used to work for the same company in QC before we transfer in BGC. when we left QC, i was also not happy with the fact that both of us received the same amount for our separation/back pay. of course, i’ve been with that company from 2007 – 2010 and he was only there for less than a year. talk about too much baggage!
it’s as if i can do or even say something. whou wouldn’t want to be appreciated for all the hardwork that you’ve done for the company. but seeing those people, just chatting, talking, eating and all that.. yes they do their job, and even one of my supervisors told me before that i’m ‘busier’ than the others.. to hell with that! yes there are times that i’m tempted, tempted to do what others are doing. petiks. tambay. wala lang. but at the end of the day, mahirap talaga pag hindi ka naman talaga ganun. i’m not pabibo, as they cal it. show off. no. i just want to do things that are expected me to do, tasks that are assigned to me. i just don’t want anything to be held against me. i’m just doing what i am being paid for. well, more than what i am paid for actually 🙂
just my dreams as a guide, i set off is search of sandy gardens. set under Mr. Sun's glow. no maps, no plans, here i go. This is me!