“tin! Pwede ka na pala sumama sa club namin.”
“SMP. Samahan ng mga malalamig ang pasko!”
It was last September 1st that I remember that this would be the first Christmas that I won’t be celebrating without a boyfriend (since I’ve started dating).
Last year, I told him “dapat January pa lang naghahanap na tayo ng mga gift para sa relatives natin.. para nakukumpleto natin & they’ll say n pinagisipan talaga yung mga gifts!” his aunt, tita beth once teased him “ok pala na gf tong si tin.. mula nun naging kayo marunong na magregalo si jolo! Dati kasi mama lang nya bumibili eh!”
Last year, it was the 1st time I’ve bought chrsitmas decors. It may not be for our own Christmas tree, but together, the two of us assembled it. Ang sarap nun feeling. Jolo said “ginawa ko to kasi gusto ko maging happy ka. The last time we’ve set up a christmas tree, dad was still with us. Si mama naman, after dad left us, hindi na sya nag-set up ng christmas tree. Now, this is for you. Kasi all I wanted is to make you happy, kahit sa gnitong simpleng paraan. And pag meron na tayo sariling bahay, I’ll buy you a big one! Pero hindi totoong tree ha. Mahal. Sayang. Hehe..” And I loved him for that. Kasi growing up from an Iglesia ni Cristo family, we never had a Christmas tree at home. My aunt would just let me decorate theirs before until I went into college. When I started working, that was one of my plan. To buy our own christmas tree at home.
I’ve started buying gifts last weekend. I already have a list of those people I’ll be giving gifts. As I’ve gone through my list, I didn’t notice na I was looking at the one I did a few months ago when we were still together. I saw his relatives’ names.. meg, xavier.. his inaanaks jandrei.. & his friends (who used to be my friends too) ida, jenkin.. and the team mates from HRCC. So I have to make a new list, and I only bought those for my officemates’ kids.
I hate doing that. Those people doesn’t have to do with what happened to us. With ida.. actually I’m not sure. But I hope she’s not part of it, hindi sya nanulsol. So I have to crossout names one after another.
I remember jolo saying (after we broke up) “you can still go to our family affairs.. k-close mo naman sila.. pero kung meron na ko bagong gf.. hindi na pwede. Kasi awkward na. ayoko naman na andun ka.. tapos dadating ako na meron kasamang iba.. masasaktan ka lang”
That’s why I know he’ll never come back. There’ll be no second (or third or fourth) chance for us. Even before pa pala.. he’s thinking of having someone else with him during their family affairs. Samantalang ako, all I think of is how to deal with his family.. how to please them.. what to give them on holidays.. Just like what tita beth (his aunt) said, “ok lang naman sa family kahit anu gawin nya.. hindi na kami magmamalinis.. kasi ganun din naman yung iba namin relatives. That’s why we’re so used to it. You should’ve known this could happen. You should’ve expected the worst. Next time.. alamin mo yung history ng family habang maaga, para prepared ka. I know it hurts. But shit happens sometimes.” Jolo even told me “ok lang naman mambabae ako.. or kahit anu gawin ko. Kasi kinukunsinte aq ni mama. Kahit anu gawin ko.. alam ko never sya magagalit sakin. Kasi kaming 2 lang naman magkakampi.”
I still wish him well. I don’t want something bad happen to him. I know I wouldn’t know. I wish no one would tell me. but I still care. I hope someone will make him realize all the wrong things he has done. Kasi naaawa ako sa mama nya. She just wanted what’s the best for him. I’m not the best. But I saw how happy she was when we’re still together. I made a promise to his mom that I’d do everything for him. na kami ng family ko yung bahala sa kanya while his mom’s away. That’s why I asked for his mom’s forgiveness when we broke up. Kasi I can no longer fulfill my promise. Kasi he doesn’t want me to. And I cant do anything anymore but give what he wants. Because that’s all I want to do. Make him happy, even if I’m no longer part of it.. even if his happiness means I have to let him go.. even if it means he’d be happier without me.. with someone else.. even if his happiness means my loneliness.. coz I know, he’d be happy without me.
Now, a few more days before chrsitmas, all I’d ever want is to spend each day with my son.. as many days as possible. Just to make it up to him. for the past few years.. for the past 4 christmas(ses), I’ve been spending it with jolo. And I’ve been so unfair to my son. Maybe this was God’s way of letting me realize I’ve been an inrresponsible mom to my son. And my age isn’t an excuse anymore. I’m already 28. My son is growing up and he needs me. I have to be there for him any other way. He took him away from me just so I can be with my son.
All I wanted then was the best Christmas ever. A family. For me, and for my son. But also for him. since he grew up without his dad. Best christmas? Him, me and my son. Or him, me and his mom. But now, I can only expect to have the best Christmas ever. With just me and my son. It could still be the best. But incomplete. Someday.. it will be..
Do you really accept my son?
Coz you said you love him as your own.
You said you want to be the father he never had.
But your actions said otherwise.
2011. someone was using the bathroom at home (batangas). Gabu needs to pee. After he found out that the door was locked, he immediately went to the front door in the living room, peed, then I heard you shouting “gabu!” when I came to where you’re at, you told me “anu bay an beh.. hindi ba tinuturuan si gabu.. parang aso!” perhaps you only mean well.. I know it isn’t right for him to get used to it. Wala lang choice yung bata. Isa lang cr sa bahay namin, nagkataon lang na meron gumagamit. And besides.. aso? You know gabu has developmental issues right?
2012. gabu needs to be evaluated by a developmental pedia. I told you I have to bring him here in manila either I look for a nanny, or I have to tag my mom along. Since we live together, kala ko automatic ibig sabihin satin sila titira for the mean time. You told me “beh kung ditto titira si gabu.. sino magaalaga sa kanya? Mahirap mghanap ng yaya. Kung tyong dalawa lang, mahirap kasi yung schedule natin panggabi tyo pareho. Kung iiwan natin yung yaya sa bahay pag gabi, beh andami natin gamit.. alam mo naman na makalat ako. And mahihirapan tyo kasi halos wala tayo tulog nun..” so on and so forth. Wait. Ako lang ba nag-isip na ayaw mo na kasama natin sa bahay si gabu?
Scenario 3 .
May 2014. It was already passed 1 in the afternoon and we’re about to have our lunch at home (batangas). My mom cooked sinigang. We had our breakfast before 9. Gabu is used to eat every 2 hours. While I was still preparing the plates and all, you saw gabu taking a string of kangkong from the bowl. I heard you raise your voice “gabu wag..! … gabu! Hindi ka masabihan ha! Para kang patay gutom!”
I remember this one time when I heard my mom and dad arguing, almost whispering to each other, trying to hold down their voices because you might hear them. My dad saw you nun pinalo mo si gabu. I don’t know what happened why you did that. Kaya lang samin kasi as much as possible hindipagbubuhatan ng kamay yun bata kasi nga he’s special, he’s different from normal kids of his age and that they should be disciplined in a different way. I thought you, of all people, understand. You should understand. You should’ve understood his situation.
And yes, I appreciate the fact that you include gabu in our plans. When we’re looking for a condo unit, you keep on saying “etong room na to para kay mama.. eto para kay gabu, and sa magiging anak natin. Tapos eto para sating dalawa..”. when you were checking out new cars, you keep on saying “maliit na yung vios para satin. Si mama, ako, ikaw, si gabu, si tita beth.. we need a bigger one.” Pero after we broke up, you told me “I want to be there for gabu.. kasi kay gabu wala ako obligasyon.. dumating man ako o hinde, ok lang..”
“ang gwapo ng anak ko” – says every mom when looking at her son. Well.. Ako din 😛
just my dreams as a guide, i set off is search of sandy gardens. set under Mr. Sun's glow. no maps, no plans, here i go. This is me!