it should’ve been our 5th ‘ official’ anniversary. remember? ondoy? nun ako pinuntahan mo instead of sa kanya? (sabi mo) i’ve waited for you from 10am until 6pm. i was so worried kasi based from the news super baha na, lubog na yung edsa.. hanggang bintana na ng mga sasakyan yung baha. then i went to Jollibee-Mindanao Ave., and waited for you for another hour. we met at 7pm. nilakad mo from that place near trinoma, to st.james-mindano ave. then we went to the office. pagdating natin wala pala rest day OT and boss rico just said “we have free meals in the pantry’ which is free naman talaga everyday. then you’ve decided to ask me and augie to go to your house in sct ojeda. that was my first time to see your house. we bought san mig light. when we arrived at your house, your mom doesnt want to go down because she doesnt know us. sabi mo ayaw kasi nya makita sya ng ibang tao without her make-up on. then at around 5am she’s asking you na ihatid na kami sa labas, but you refused. after an hour, augie went home. and after a few more minutes, hinatid mo ko in JAM bus terminal, near GMA7. i was so thankful THEN that you came to my rescue.
now.. i don’t know. tears has gone dry. i’m hurting, yes. i dont know what she has or what she does for you to throw everything away. i thought i am your bestfriend. kasi ako lang nakakaalam ng lahat ng secrets mo.. ng lahat ng problema mo.. na kahit pamilya mo, kahit mama mo hindi nila alam. siguro nga oo.. i WAS your bestfriend. before you met her.
but thank you. thank you for everything. thank you for saving me from my then-boyfriend. thank you for being there nun ondoy. i’ve learned so much from you, good and bad. i dont know why, but i still love you. and it fucking hurts.
It was last September 1st that I remember that this would be the first Christmas that I won’t be celebrating without a boyfriend (since I’ve started dating).
Last year, I told him “dapat January pa lang naghahanap na tayo ng mga gift para sa relatives natin.. para nakukumpleto natin & they’ll say n pinagisipan talaga yung mga gifts!” his aunt, tita beth once teased him “ok pala na gf tong si tin.. mula nun naging kayo marunong na magregalo si jolo! Dati kasi mama lang nya bumibili eh!”
Last year, it was the 1st time I’ve bought chrsitmas decors. It may not be for our own Christmas tree, but together, the two of us assembled it. Ang sarap nun feeling. Jolo said “ginawa ko to kasi gusto ko maging happy ka. The last time we’ve set up a christmas tree, dad was still with us. Si mama naman, after dad left us, hindi na sya nag-set up ng christmas tree. Now, this is for you. Kasi all I wanted is to make you happy, kahit sa gnitong simpleng paraan. And pag meron na tayo sariling bahay, I’ll buy you a big one! Pero hindi totoong tree ha. Mahal. Sayang. Hehe..” And I loved him for that. Kasi growing up from an Iglesia ni Cristo family, we never had a Christmas tree at home. My aunt would just let me decorate theirs before until I went into college. When I started working, that was one of my plan. To buy our own christmas tree at home.
I’ve started buying gifts last weekend. I already have a list of those people I’ll be giving gifts. As I’ve gone through my list, I didn’t notice na I was looking at the one I did a few months ago when we were still together. I saw his relatives’ names.. meg, xavier.. his inaanaks jandrei.. & his friends (who used to be my friends too) ida, jenkin.. and the team mates from HRCC. So I have to make a new list, and I only bought those for my officemates’ kids.
I hate doing that. Those people doesn’t have to do with what happened to us. With ida.. actually I’m not sure. But I hope she’s not part of it, hindi sya nanulsol. So I have to crossout names one after another.
I remember jolo saying (after we broke up) “you can still go to our family affairs.. k-close mo naman sila.. pero kung meron na ko bagong gf.. hindi na pwede. Kasi awkward na. ayoko naman na andun ka.. tapos dadating ako na meron kasamang iba.. masasaktan ka lang”
That’s why I know he’ll never come back. There’ll be no second (or third or fourth) chance for us. Even before pa pala.. he’s thinking of having someone else with him during their family affairs. Samantalang ako, all I think of is how to deal with his family.. how to please them.. what to give them on holidays.. Just like what tita beth (his aunt) said, “ok lang naman sa family kahit anu gawin nya.. hindi na kami magmamalinis.. kasi ganun din naman yung iba namin relatives. That’s why we’re so used to it. You should’ve known this could happen. You should’ve expected the worst. Next time.. alamin mo yung history ng family habang maaga, para prepared ka. I know it hurts. But shit happens sometimes.” Jolo even told me “ok lang naman mambabae ako.. or kahit anu gawin ko. Kasi kinukunsinte aq ni mama. Kahit anu gawin ko.. alam ko never sya magagalit sakin. Kasi kaming 2 lang naman magkakampi.”
I still wish him well. I don’t want something bad happen to him. I know I wouldn’t know. I wish no one would tell me. but I still care. I hope someone will make him realize all the wrong things he has done. Kasi naaawa ako sa mama nya. She just wanted what’s the best for him. I’m not the best. But I saw how happy she was when we’re still together. I made a promise to his mom that I’d do everything for him. na kami ng family ko yung bahala sa kanya while his mom’s away. That’s why I asked for his mom’s forgiveness when we broke up. Kasi I can no longer fulfill my promise. Kasi he doesn’t want me to. And I cant do anything anymore but give what he wants. Because that’s all I want to do. Make him happy, even if I’m no longer part of it.. even if his happiness means I have to let him go.. even if it means he’d be happier without me.. with someone else.. even if his happiness means my loneliness.. coz I know, he’d be happy without me.
Now, a few more days before chrsitmas, all I’d ever want is to spend each day with my son.. as many days as possible. Just to make it up to him. for the past few years.. for the past 4 christmas(ses), I’ve been spending it with jolo. And I’ve been so unfair to my son. Maybe this was God’s way of letting me realize I’ve been an inrresponsible mom to my son. And my age isn’t an excuse anymore. I’m already 28. My son is growing up and he needs me. I have to be there for him any other way. He took him away from me just so I can be with my son.
All I wanted then was the best Christmas ever. A family. For me, and for my son. But also for him. since he grew up without his dad. Best christmas? Him, me and my son. Or him, me and his mom. But now, I can only expect to have the best Christmas ever. With just me and my son. It could still be the best. But incomplete. Someday.. it will be..
I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: Relationships aren’t easy. As a very wise musician, Neil Sedaka, once sang, “Breaking up is hard to do.”
The decision to end a relationship may be easy for some, but for others, it’s a decision that takes a lot of time, internal mulling and external venting.
Once you make your decision, you may be immediately feeling regretful; after all, you spent a lot of time with this person.
He or she was your significant other; you were intimate and comfortable with this person. All of those things are not easily forgotten or left in the past.
In the end, however, you broke up for a reason. While you may be entertaining the idea of drunk texting this person at 2 am on a Saturday night and revealing how much you miss him or her, just don’t.
1. It Ended For A Reason
You didn’t just break up with him or her out of the blue; there had to have been reasons. Nine times out of ten, the underlying problem didn’t disappear overnight.
Unless your ex has completely done a 360, don’t step backwards. Your relationship failed; don’t forget that reason when you’ve had a little too much to drink and you’re feeling lonely.
2. After The Honeymoon Phase Wears Off…
While you may have remembered all the good times you shared, replaying cute conversations in your head simply creates a façade that everything was perfect.
If that were the case, you would most likely still be together. If you did get back together, it would be great during that “honeymoon phase,” but after that, the original issues will resurface, leaving you confused and heartbroken… for a second time.
3. You Don’t Think You Can Do Better
You can and you will; it’s as simple as that. There are so many fish in the sea — it’s the oldest cliché in the book — and, yes, I’m throwing it at you because it’s true!
Once you’ve had enough time to get over your ex, explore your options. Let a friend set you up on a blind date, start swiping right on Tinder or just get someone’s phone number at the bar.
There isn’t just one person out there for all of us. There is the right person, at the right place and at the right time. Love is a tricky little thing.
4. If It Were Meant To Be, It Wouldn’t Be So Hard
One of my friends said this to me during one of many venting sessions, and it stuck with me. You shouldn’t have to work as hard in your relationship as you do at your full-time job.
I’m not telling you there won’t be bumps in the road, but overall, you should be happier more times than sad in your relationship. If you were feeling the latter, especially towards the end of your relationship, it won’t be better the second time around.
5. You Were Comfortable
Your significant other knew everything about you: your most ticklish spot, your favorite meal and exactly what you needed when you were hungover on a Sunday morning.
You may think you’ll never feel that comfortable with another person, but I promise you, it will happen. Most of us take time to open up to others, especially in our generation, where everyone is so quick to move on to the next best thing.
When the right person comes along, you’ll want him or her to know all of those things and more. In the beginning of a new relationship, you probably won’t be sharing your deepest secrets, be able to finish each other’s sentences or know exactly what your partner is thinking by just looking at his or her facial expression.
Eventually, you will get there with someone new.
6. The “L” Word
You loved your significant other. I get it; I’ve been there, too. However, if you’ve learned anything from reading articles like these, you know with each new relationship, you learn more about yourself and how you love in particular.
Falling in love isn’t just about the person; it’s about the timing. Timing is everything, just ask Ted Mosby. When you fall into that forever kind of love, you’ll know it.
I am a firm believer in the mantra, “Everything happens for a reason.” You learned from the pain, so don’t subject yourself to it a second time around. Leave the past in the past, and move forward. There are far better things ahead than anything we leave behind.
There are a few things I think you should know, as you are now the object of his affection.
Don’t let it surprise you, how quickly you fall for him, and don’t be apprehensive in letting yourself fall. He’ll be there to catch you. Don’t let my Facebook page intimidate you. There were a lot of pictures of us, and while I hate to admit it, the pictures are a thing of the past.
He’s taken down most of them by now. He may not talk about me to you; he didn’t talk to his friends about it when it ended, so I don’t know if they will know either. It was a beautiful, one-sided love story of the past, but you are his future now.
We don’t know each other, and I am sure you already don’t like me. I resented you slightly when I first found out, but we do have something very wonderful in common, and it connects us whether we like to admit it or not.
I won’t text him or like his posts on social media. I can’t tell you every secret because it took me time to figure that out myself. But just trust that there are reasons he doesn’t say what you want him to, and there are reasons he doesn’t do what you want.
He will spoil you from time to time, but he is wise with his expenses; he spends money only when he needs to. You are going notice how he gets excited like a child when it comes to certain things and learn to hear giggle in his laugh.
You’ll find out his favorite movie and he’ll make you sit through it; I know I couldn’t without falling asleep. You’ll notice how he loves watching movies and how he might do it more than going out.
You will see him out drunk and he’ll get mad sometimes. He has a temper, as I’m sure you have noticed, so don’t take it personally. When he storms off, let him go and trust he’ll always come back with a smile and his bright blue eyes that make you look away.
When he falls in love with you, let it not scare you when he cries because that’s the one thing that triggers those emotions in him. When he falls in love with you, you’ll notice you sleep better at night, and when it rains, his touch simply will vanish every fear.
When that happens, you’ll almost look forward to simple things, such as walks because he’ll reach for your hand and you’ll blush because no glove has ever fit it so well.
He’ll do whatever you ask of him and you’ll rarely fight. He doesn’t like advertising things like relationships and feelings, so don’t expect that of him, just know he does love you. He may not think of you at every moment, but you’ll cross his mind often enough.
He has bigger dreams than he is confident enough to believe in, so it’s your job to tell him every day how handsome he is and how smart he is and that he is capable of it all. He won’t believe you, but don’t stop saying it.
He’ll make you see the world in a new light, and you’ll start questioning things you never knew. He can’t cook, so don’t expect him to. You’ll find yourself laughing at his little catchphrases, and if you do something he doesn’t like, one eyebrow will raise and he’ll look at you without blinking.
When you two are out, he’ll watch you the whole time and it’ll seem like you are the only one in the room. When you dance, it’ll seem perfect. Let none of this scare you and love him the way he deserves. He’ll tell you about the past and his mistakes, so it’s your job to take his hand and let him know you’re not judging him.
He is a better person because of all of that, and he’s found you because of failed relationships in the past. I hope you love him the way he deserves and I hope he loves you as deeply as I thought he did me. I hope he’s honest with you in a way he never was with me, but most of all, I hope he gives you the fairytale I thought would once be my life.
Also: Remember that I don’t dislike you, but if I’m being honest, I am jealous of you. I have found acceptance, but I’m also happy someone else gets a chance to experience what I did.
I hope one day I can properly meet you. Like I said before, we have a connection that no one else can say they have and I’m sure you are a wonderful person. He looks at who a girl is first before falling in love with her appearance. It’s a rare quality in a man.
I only ask one thing of you: Don’t hurt him the way he hurt me. I believe in karma and I believe people get what they send out to the world, but I never wish that pain upon anyone, especially him. You are dating the man of our dreams and I truly mean it when I say I hope it all works out for you.
I felt as if love was the very liquid flowing through my veins: heart-racing, endless-butterflies, flushed-face, cheeks-hurt-from-smiling-so-much, couldn’t-wait-to-spend-every-waking-moment-with-him type sh*t.
You can probably guess where this is going. Neither one worked out, but the second one left me guessing whether I could ever recover from all the hurt and anguish he put me through. Most importantly, could I ever trust another man with my heart, body, mind and soul?
Even I felt as though I had to tiptoe around the shambles of my own heart; I was left to put everything back together. Before I could move forward with my life, I knew the first steps to moving on would be to forgive.
I’ve never said this openly to you, but now it’s time. To the man I thought you were:
You met me at such a vulnerable and fragile stage of my life, and you took full advantage of that. Just shy of 21, I thought I had found the love of my life.
You were everything I had always dreamed of and everything I thought I wanted. You were five years older than me, established, smart, handsome, funny, witty, skilled, so talented at your job and you could make me weak at the knees.
I’ll hand it to you; your facade was that of one who had clearly done this before. You had me in your hands like putty. Little did I know you would try to mold me into everything you needed me to be.
How naive I was to believe that someone like you could actually love me, wholeheartedly. It’s my own fault, and now on the verge of 26, I can take responsibility for what I failed to notice.
I guess you could say I did notice, just didn’t care to pay attention to all the red flags. You always wanted me to be something more, something your parents would approve of. Someone who resembled more of what your stature represented, almost like a social class.
I guess I should have listened to you when you said your mom wouldn’t approve of my tattoos, the very art I had engraved into my skin before I ever knew that you existed. Or maybe the times you told me to not do my hair a certain way because you didn’t like it.
How about the times you always gave me sh*t for dressing up nice, always assuming I was trying to impress someone? Did you ever think I was trying to look nice for you?
With all the guilt you carried around, I MUST be up to no good. All the simple things I enjoyed, you hated. I always wondered why I stayed with someone who so clearly didn’t like anything about me.
Then it clicked: I was convenient. I was an easy back up. Just tell her what she wants to hear, give her a little bit of hope, give her a little bit of rope and just real her back in when you need her.
Goddamn you, asshole, for making me feel so inadequate. I always made an excuse for your behavior. That is nobody’s fault but my own, but it is time you take responsibility for YOUR actions.
After all, if you had been the good boyfriend you claimed to be, I wouldn’t have had to make an excuses for your twisted, sick, and f*cked up choices.
Of course, you were always so talented at turning everything around and making me the bad guy. “I told you I didn’t want to be in a relationship … it’s not my fault if you get hurt. We aren’t together.” Oh we aren’t? I’m sorry, I must have you confused with the guy who has me over every night and day.
I come home, cook, clean, take care of the house and dog, do your laundry, fall asleep and wake up next to you every day. I’d catch you in a lie, or online dating sites, or going on dates on Valentine’s Day, or how about that late dinner on NYE that wasn’t with me?
Yet, if I dare talked to anyone, showed interest in anyone, I was the piece of sh*t. Wait a second … didn’t you say we weren’t together? I should be free to talk to whomever I want, right?
Do you even have any idea what I told these people who tried to date me? That I was still in love with someone, and I wanted to see it through the end until he clearly looked me in the eye and I knew it was over for good.
What hurt the most is when I would build up all this courage to finally say that I was done with feeling this way. That you no longer were going to have so much control over me, and that I no longer wanted to be with someone who couldn’t treat me the way I deserved.
Here you come with a sad face, making your eyes well up, telling me you don’t know why you continue to hurt the one person who has loved you for the last three years. You got me … back to square one. He’ll change, things will be different, I know he loves me. He almost cried…
So here we are. I have forgiven you, and have forgiven myself, but that doesn’t mean I still don’t get angry for all the times you made me feel so worthless.
While you never directly said it, I always knew it was implied. It’s my fault for sticking around, and it’s my fault for not listening to everything you were saying. Nobody ever said I was perfect, and lord knows I am flawed to the bone. My weakness isn’t really a weakness, it’s more of a strength. I love with all my heart, through thick and thin.
I give it all I got, and I was not the one who quit. No matter what you did, I still loved with you. It’s just a crying shame that you gave up on me. You doubted my abilities and you were ashamed. Yet, I never once said I was ashamed of you and all your flaws.
I learned to love my solitude, and I learned to love every single part of me. I enjoy not being a perfect specimen of a human being. I embody true beauty. I may be an emotionally f*cked up individual, but damn, am I strong. Anyone who has had to endure three years of your bullsh*t deserves an award.
So thank you, thanks for helping me realize just how badass I am. I’m living a fabulous life.
By the way, I heard you got married, cheers to that! I wish you nothing but happiness. I can genuinely say that because when you really love someone or in my case (loved) someone, regardless of what they’ve done to you, you do want the best for him.
My heart doesn’t have room for hate, it’s too full of love for the ones who care about me.
This is the song I used to sing whenever I’m taking a shower.. it only stopped when I met him. and I don’t know why. After we broke up.. and learning about the reason why we broke up.. I just don’t know but it seems like.. this could be his song when we were still together..
How can I tell her about you (Lobo)
She knows when I’m lonesome, she cried when I’m sad She’s up in the good times, she’s down in the bad Whenever I’m discouraged, she knows just what to do But girl, she doesn’t know about you
I can tell her my troubles, she makes them all seem right I can make up excuses not to hold her at night We can talk of tomorrow, I’ll tell her things that I want to do But girl, how can I tell her about you?
How can I tell her about you? Girl, please tell me what to do Everything seems right whenever I’m with you So girl, won’t you tell me how to tell her about you?
How can I tell her I don’t miss her whenever I’m away How can I say it’s you and I think of every single night and day But when is it easy telling someone we’re through Ah girl, help me tell her about you
Mom: “pag andito mama nya, halos hindi ka na nakakatulog ng maayos para lang masamahan sya. lalo na nun 2013. tapos ngayon malalaman mo na habang ikaw nagpapakapuyat sa pagsama sa mama nya.. sya naman busy sa pambababae. oo naaappreciate naman namin yung ginawa & ibinigay ng mama nya sayo. kahit sya, may nagawa din naman sya para sayo. pero hindi sapat na reason yun para mambabae sya at sabihin na lahat naman ginawa nya pra sayo..”
Me: “mie, ganun talaga.. nakakabulag ang sobrang love.”
Mom: “oo. naging tanga ka pa. gusto ko sya intindihin. gusto ko maawa sa kanya.. pero hindi eh! kung nasasaktan ka, mas nasasaktan ako, lalo na daddy mo! nakakasama lang ng loob kasi.. kahhit may sakit ako.. hindi na ko makabangon pero pag dumadating sya sa bahay at natutulog dito ng ilan ilan araw.. inaasikaso ko sya. oo wala kami naibigay sa kanya tulad ng mga naibigay ng mama nya sayo.. pero yung pagaasikaso namin sa kanya.. yung ibang tao ba nagawa yun sa kanya? yun lang naman yung ikinasasama ng loob namin ng daddy mo. tinanggap namin syang tao dito, higit pa sa tunay na anak ang turing namin sa kanya. pero binastos nya kami. nakakatulog pa sya sa bahay natin ng ilan-ilan araw.. tapos nambababae na pala!”
Me: “ako na naga po nagsosorry para sa kanya..”
Mom: “hinde! mali yan! hindi ikaw ang may kasalanan bakit sya ganyan.. tinolerate mo lang! yun ang pagkakamali mo!”
just my dreams as a guide, i set off is search of sandy gardens. set under Mr. Sun's glow. no maps, no plans, here i go. This is me!