Turn your back on your partner in bed? Good news! That means you have an intimate relationship… What YOUR sleeping habits say about your love life · 80% of Britons are too tired to kiss their partner goodnight at bedtime
90% do not say ‘I love you’ before drifting to sleep
46% turn their back on their partners as soon as they get in to bed
But it is sleeping positions that really reveal what is going on in relationships
Published: 06:17 EST, 12 October 2012 | Updated: 09:38 EST, 12 October 2012
What happens in your bedroom when the lights go out? If a new survey is to be believed, the answer is not much.
As a nation we are becoming a loveless lot, turning our backs on our partners as soon as we settle down, not bothering to kiss each other good night or say I love you and in 25 per cent of cases hoping that our partners don’t even touch us as we try and drift to sleep.
But despite our efforts to ward off intimacy as we are trying to fall asleep, psychologists say it is the positions we take up when actually deep in sleep that reveal how we really feel about each other.
The positions we sleep in can say a lot about our relationships: The Liberty – back to back but not touching – shows a couple feels connected whilst independent enough to sleep separately
During sleep, you cannot fake your body language, this is the time when you are honest and vulnerable and your sleeping position can therefore reveal a lot about your relationship.
Relationship psychologist Corrine Sweet and the Travelodge hotel group have investigated what Britons’ sleeping positions say about their relationship.
Sweet said: ‘Couples fall into habitual ways of sleeping together that suits their personalities and personal preferences.
‘These are negotiated at the outset, so if something changes in how they sleep together, this can reflect a change in their relationship and cause concern for the other partner.’
The Cherish – back to back but touching – means a couple are comfortable, intimate and relaxed with each other
Spoons – male with the female on the inside – this is a traditional position in which the male takes the lead and protects his lover
Pillow Talk – face to face – this position represents an intimate need for one-to-one contact and conversation in bed
Lovers Knot or Lovers – face to face with legs intertwined – if couples separate after 10 minutes it demonstrates a loving independence, if legs intertwined all night it means you cannot bear to be separated
She added: ‘Individual psychological states also affect how we sleep and the positions we sleep in, so if we are stressed we may be irritable, and not want to snuggle up with our partner. Arguments often lead to sleeping wide apart, as people feel loathe to touch.’
‘Inevitably, once the first flush of lust wears off, with couples naked and entwined, it is more likely that the need for a good night’s sleep predominates, so sleeping back to back becomes a favourable position in bed.’
The research highlighted a new trend for sleeping apart. Nowadays one in 10 couples admits to sleeping separately from their partner in the quest for a good night’s sleep. Alarmingly a quarter of couples in their sexual prime age (35 and above) are considering sleeping in separate beds.
Couples not in favour of having their own bed are still vying for more space between the sheets with more than half now opting for a King Size bed and over a quarter considering an upgrade from their standard double.
THE MOST POPULAR SLEEPING POSITIONS AND WHAT THEY MEAN
LIBERTY: Back to back but not touching (28%)
This couple feel connected whilst independent enough to sleep separately. They are used to each other and accept each other’s sleeping habits.
CHERISH: Back to back but touching (18%)
This couple are comfortable, intimate and relaxed with each other. A popular position in a new relationship.
SPOONS (MALE): Male spoons with the female on the inside (13%)
This is a traditional position, in which the male takes the lead and protects his lover. Couples sleep side-by-side each curled up with each other in the fetal position. Traditional spooning is the most common position adopted by couples during the first few years of their relationship or marriage. It shows both a strong sexuality and feeling of security in the relationship
PILLOW TALK: Face to face (7%)
This position represents an intimate need for one-to-one contact and conversation in bed.
LOVERS KNOT: Face to face, legs intertwined for 10 minutes then couples separate to sleep (8%)
This position demonstrates a loving independence, it’s a sign of intimacy, love and sexual activity – even though the couple separate and sleep apart.
SPOONS (FEMALE): Spoons with the female on the outside (5%)
In this position the female takes the lead and protects her man while he is sleeping.
THE LOVERS: Face to face with legs intertwined all night (4%)
This is love’s young dream position where you cannot bear to be separated as each moment together counts. A position for the born romantics.
THE ROMANTIC: Woman lying with head and arm on man’s chest (1%)
This is the popular Hollywood movie bed scene position. An intimate pose much favored in a new relationship or after love making. It represents new / rekindled love.
SUPERWOMAN: Woman lying in star fish position with man hanging off the bed (1%)
The woman rules the bed in this position, she likes her space and the man takes a secondary role and lets her take it.
SUPERMAN: Man lying in star fish position with woman hanging off the bed (1%)
In this position the male is king of the bed, he likes to have his way and the female is happy to oblige.
The sleep behavior report also found that one in four couples constantly argues in bed because they are kept awake by their partners sleeping habits.
The survey also revealed that more than half of people questioned said they felt their sex life was better if they ‘cuddled-up’ more. More men at 67% responded that their sex life was better if they cuddled more during the night. 34% of men said that it annoyed them if their partner did not cuddle them in bed in comparison to 26% of women.
Experts have stated longevity of a marriage is enhanced when couples fall asleep and wake up at the same time. Couples who go to sleep together and get up at the same time are content in their relationship.
Over half of adults can tell if their partner is cheating on them by the way they sleep. Nearly two thirds of women are more vigilant under the duvet and can detect if their other half is playing away by his bedroom antics. Nearly one in 10 men have made the cardinal sin and called their wife or girlfriend the wrong name in bed.
Spoons – with the female on the outside – in this position the female takes the lead and protects her man while he is sleeping
The Romantic – woman lying with head and arm on man’s chest – this is the popular Hollywood movie bed scene position. An intimate pose much favoured in a new relationship or after love making
Superwoman – woman lying in star fish position with man hanging off the bed – the woman rules the bed in this position, she likes her space and the man takes a secondary role and lets her take it
Superman – man lying in star fish position with woman hanging off the bed – in this position the male is king of the bed, he likes to have his way and the female is happy to oblige
AND WHAT ABOUT THOSE THAT SLEEP ALONE?
Symbolically curled positions in sleep mean ‘I want to trust others and feel safe’.
Bodies stretched out in sleep mean ‘I want to take charge and experience adventure’.
Hands curled inwards mean “I want to cuddle and connect’.
Hands wrapped around a pillow can indicate a cuddly nature. If hands and/or arms are held, or pressed tightly, or straight down at the sides it means ‘I want to be alone’.
Sleeping on your stomach temporarily typically shows you are anxious or feel things are out of control and need to protect the vulnerable front of your body.
An individual who always sleeps on his/her stomach but with arms bent and hands up around the head in a crown position is showing she/he is persistent, goal oriented, compulsive and stubborn.
I stopped checking my inbox when I realized that each message I received would not be from the person that I desperately wanted to hear from.. With every ding on my phone, one message was always missing. I realized though, that I had never sent one to you. Many times, I turned over a new page of the notepad whilst my hands shook, staining ink on my hands. My hands were stained with the ghosts of words that I wanted you to read but I never knew what they were. I’ve always attempted to write our story on my blog, but I can’t even start it.. now.. I know why I just can’t do it.. because it will be plotless. Still, each day I waited.
But there never were words to describe you. You occupied the space between love and un-love from the start. I remember our first meeting and I remember seeing a kindness in you before. But after everything that had happened, it is a kindness that I can never trust. Your moves towards me were as unsubtle as a checkmate. I did not love you at first. I could not love someone who so utterly trapped me. A period of my life is now partially lost. Memories are afflicted with the strange light of sadness. It is like thinking in sepia.
You were not the man that I woke up to each day as the sun streamed through my curtains. You were not the warm presence in my bed through cold nights when the moon shone brighter than any of the stars. You were never my lover but often professed to be my savior. You offered me company when I felt alone, dried my tears of frustration but left me, unsure as to whether you could handle the real me that I kept hidden beneath my make up.
You wore me down until I broke. It turned out that I am just a plaything, a toy to be discarded. Even now, I am of no interest to you until you find yourself alone. You keep both a veneer of disgust and sympathy ready when we happen to meet, I never sure which I am to be greeted with. You frighten me and you know. The break down of our friendship was bitter. You tried to pull my friendships from under my feet and tore down any confidence you helped me build. Since that day, I have struggled to find my old self. I stopped caring about my appearance, I stopped caring about my feelings and I hurt those closest to me. I became ill but I will never be able to blame you completely. Contrary to the opinions of others, I believe that am responsible for what happened. For their sakes though, I have started to open up again, participate in life a little and have strangely, gained stronger new friendships.
In the end, I rebuilt my relationship. I have had to learn how to gain another’s trust again and repair the wounds that led me to you in the first place. I am lucky in that I have someone to love me and share love with but it will take time to forget whatever it was we had. People do not talk often of those they fall for outside a relationship but I hope that someone reads this and realizes that it is a cryptic game that can never be won. I hope that one day, you remember me fondly and perhaps write a letter of your own. I will never wish to read it but I’ll always check my inbox, just in case.
Dealing with the emotional turmoil of a husband caught cheating can take all the energy out of you. But instead of being a helpless victim, use the following tips to help you take action on the problem and regain control of the situation.
13 Resolutions for Wives with Cheating Husbands
You don’t have to continue to be a helpless victim if your husband is cheating on you. There are practical steps you can take to make the best of a bad situation. Whether you decide to stay with your cheating spouse or leave him, the resolutions below will help you put the odds in your favor, so you can gain the upper hand.
1. Make sure infidelity is actually the problem you’re dealing with. Problems like drug or alcohol addiction or gambling often masquerade as infidelity because of similar telltale signs. Don’t speculate, investigate. If you need to get solid proof of infidelity without spending a lot of time or money, a book like Is He Cheating on You? – 829 Telltale Signs (Lifestyle Publications, $29.95) with detailed information on the signs of infidelity will help you find out for sure.
2. Face reality. Ignoring your husband’s infidelity will not make it go away. It will only make things worse. He could become so attached to his mistress that it will be impossible to get your marriage back on track.
3. Speak up and take a stand. If you know he’s cheating and say nothing about it, you’re enabling his infidelity. Make it clear that you disapprove of what’s going on and tell him you want it to stop. Not addressing his infidelity makes him think he has your silent approval or that you don’t know what’s going on.
4. Let him know you know. Affairs thrive in secrecy. If you’ve identified numerous telltale signs and have solid proof of your husband’s infidelity, decide when and how to tell him you know about his affair. Sometimes just knowing his infidelity has been exposed will be enough to make him stop.
5. Build a support team. You need someone to confide in about your husband’s infidelity. Don’t try to get through this alone. Surround yourself with people who care about you and have your best interests at heart.
6. Realistically evaluate your situation. Consider your options. Is your marriage worth saving? Should you get a temporary separation? File for divorce? What is it in your (and your children’s) best interest to do?
7. Seek counseling for yourself and for your marriage. You have a better chance of saving your marriage if you get professional help. You’ll be better equipped to deal with the trauma of infidelity if you seek individual counseling, as well.
8. Identify the underlying issues. Try to pinpoint the contributing factors to his infidelity – A life crisis? Major character flaws? Sexual addiction? Dissatisfaction with you or with the marriage? Or something else? Get to the root of the problem, if you can.
9. Protect yourself sexually. Your husband’s infidelity can have life-threatening consequences for you. If he’s cheating, your health is at risk. You’re already a victim of infidelity. Don’t become a victim of HIV/AIDS too.
10 Find out your legal rights. Consult an attorney who specializes in matrimonial law. Get a clear understanding of what you’re legally entitled to (alimony, child support, division of marital assets) in the event of a divorce or separation.
11. Put your financial house in order. Get a realistic view of your current financial situation and make the necessary adjustments. Establish credit in your own name. Set up a separate checking or savings account. Start putting money aside for a rainy day.
12. Make sure you’re equipped to earn a living. Many women remain in adulterous relationships because they’re financially dependent on their husbands. If you need to, take college courses or start learning a trade to make yourself employable.
13. Prepare yourself mentally and emotionally. Accept the possibility that your marriage/relationship may end. Don’t be caught off guard. Have an “Infidelity Game Plan” in place in case your husband decides to move out or ask for a divorce. Begin formulating your strategy now. This year, empower yourself by focusing your energy and efforts on the practical steps you can take to make the best of a bad situation. If you act on these resolutions, you can gain the upper hand.
Here are a few possible underlying meanings or distinctions for the “I Love You but am Not In Love with You” outburst.
1. An ongoing or possible affair relationship. Your partner may have a strong attraction to another person, and lacks the knowledge or insight on how to handle such an attraction. S/he may lack the self-awareness it takes to place such an attraction into its proper context or his/her personal neediness may dominate and control his/her actions. Your partner may equate an affair with “falling in love.” And, s/he may equate the eventual demise of romance in a relationship as “falling out of love.”
2. You are not mirroring your partner as s/he is accustomed. Some equate love with significant others mirroring back to him/her what s/he believes s/he needs. This is the essence of romance, in which two people mirror back to each other what s/he believes the other wants to hear. Such reciprocity perpetuates those great feelings (s/he adores, loves, cherishes me, thinks I’m special, great, knows me, knows what I’m going to say or do before I do it, etc.) The ego is flattered and inflated. Of course, such mirroring soon diminishes in a relationship of mutual investment when the human foibles and day to day demands of problem solving emerge. One who relies upon mirroring for a sense of worth, when the inner self feels empty, may utter, “I love you but am not in love with you.”
3. Life may feel stagnant One may work very hard controlling self and the world around him/her. Effort is expended attempting to order his/her internal and external life. The hope is that one day, when everything is under control and working properly, life will be good. And, of course, a tremendous amount of energy, time and effort is pointed in this direction. Life is work. Relationships are work. Marriage is work. Play is work. And a great feeling of pride and accomplishment may accompany each attempt at ordering his/her life. However, over time, the effort of the need to control takes its toll. There is no joy. The thrill is gone. There is no cutting edge. Life is the same. Life is blah. Life is dead. Passion has vanished.
4. I need drama in my life. Love frequently is associated with need for drama and the emotional high that comes from living a life of drama. What one feels often reigns. Obtaining or maintaining that high, giddy feeling is paramount. Such a life may be filled with intrigue and secrets. In a marriage your spouse will work at keeping you on the “edge.” Social needs and attention from others often are a powerful force. S/he is often unpredictable, volatile and needs that extra stimulation. Being “in love” therefore is vital or at least longed for. Romance novels may line his/her reading shelf. It is obvious then that the statement, “I love you but am not in love with you” means that that internal dry, boring desert has been reached.
5. The attractors become destructors. You often “fall in love” when you experience an attraction to what appears to be your opposite. For example. you may be attracted to his/her need for fun and excitement while feeling like your life lacks such spontaneity. Or, you may be attracted to his/her calm cool approach to life, when you feel scattered and unsure. You may be attracted to his/her artistic and creative side when you see yourself as extremely practical with black and white thinking. Or, you may be attracted to his/her aura of certainty and steadfastness when your mind seems to wander from one opinion to another. But, then the attractor becomes the destructor. His/her need for excitement and fun is seen as irresponsibility. His/her calm and cool nature you may believe to be control. His/her creative nature becomes detachment. His/her practicality becomes rigidity. etc.
6. Addiction and shame Your partner, when approaching you with “I love you but am not in love with you,” may utter those words to push you away. Your spouse may experience his/her life in a downward spiral grabbed by some sort of addiction or obsession. By pushing you away, by creating distance, s/he assures his/her isolation; others will leave him/her alone. The isolation enables him/her to pursue the object of addiction. The words, “I love you but am not in love with you” are spoken often to a spouse of someone garbled by pornography and/or cyber sex addictions.
7. Submerged anger “I love you but am not in love with you” may be a hostile statement. Your spouse may know of your sensitivity, the depth of your feelings and your vulnerability to pain. Rather than dealing directly and confronting you with his/her anger, resentment s/he may use the “I love you but am not in love with you” statement to exact revenge. Years or months of disappointment and his/her incapacity to confront you with his/her personal needs may fester and boil within. Rather than assume responsibility for his/her lack, you may become the target of his/her anger. The outcome to him/her may be: There, take that! I hope you feel as badly as I feel! Maybe now you know what it is like. Some affairs are based on this dynamic.
8. The illusions are shattered Many enter in a relationship with an unrealistic illusion of the nature of marriage. Marriage is for those who “fall in love” and continue to “love” one another. Marriage means romance. Marriage means expecting romance. Marriage means: they lived happily ever after. Marriage means that “love” will continue to grow and grow. Marriage means my needs will be met…always. Marriage means I will be safe, secure and always cared for. Marriage means we will always communicate and be close. Marriage means we will always be soul mates. And more… You enter marriage with cultural illusions and delusions about what will happen between husband and wife. Sooner or later (often sooner) those illusions are at least called into question. Sooner than later the reality of two individuals with different personal need systems, different expectations and different ways of coping and relating becomes strikingly apparent. Your spouse may believe, I’ve “fallen out of love.”
9. The weariness of the negative cycle You and your partner will encounter the negative cycle. It’s the place where you emotionally and relationally get “stuck.” You know the place. You say to yourself, “Here we go again. I know what s/he is going to say and do and I know how I will respond. We go round and round in circles, each knowing we’ve been there many times before. And, even though the cycle is terribly familiar, there seems to be no escape. Once you are there, it repeats itself to the end (one usually walks away.) Try as you might, changing the flow of that pattern, removing yourselves from that painful, terribly frustrating cycle is impossible. And so, s/he says, “I love you but am not in love with you.” The weariness, the frequency and the intensity of the ever present cycle takes its toll. The warm feelings have evaporated.
10. Who are you? You may settle into the familiar patterns of relating to one another. Distance may become an old friend. Conflict may erupt periodically. Extreme frustration with one another may be an undercurrent. Simmering hostility lies beneath the surface. This is all you know. You lose touch with your spouse. S/he begins to feel like a stranger. There is no growth. There is no discovery. There is no unique self disclosure. There is no depth. There is no exploration of one another. It’s the same ole… same ole. You may look across from the breakfast table in the morning and in the back of your mind a part ruminates: but I don’t know you. Who are you?
11. Fear of conflict You and/or your partner may not know how to embrace and welcome your differences. And those differences may become a source of internal conflict, wishing s/he were different or more like me. A lid is placed on that internal conflict and dissatisfaction. No discussion takes place for fear of hurting the other or upsetting the calm in the relationship. A rule resides in the relationship: no conflict. Do not disturb each other. On the surface the relationship looks great. Others may look to the relationship as a model of how a relationship should be. Everything seems well in relationship-ville until one day your partner approaches you with the “I love you but am not in love with you” anymore. Your world and illusions are shattered.
12. The exit Your partner has decided it’s best to leave the relationship. Perhaps s/he has had an ongoing affair. Perhaps after months and weeks of agonizing and debating, s/he made the decision to leave the relationship. Finally s/he musters the courage to say, “I love you but am not in love with you anymore.” S/he intends this to be the initial step in leaving the relationship. S/he believes s/he knows your response and is ready for that response. There may be a great deal of guilt and pain. However, it seems as if the decision has been made. Conclusion The phrase: “I Love You but am Not ‘In Love” with You holds myriad of possible meanings. I’ve listed 14 reasons, but many more can exist depending on the makeup and history of your marriage. These 14, however, cover the major reasons and patterns I’ve encountered in my clinical experience. When you hear this phrase from your spouse, be ready to explore what lies behind these words. As you explore, as you dig, as you strive to understand, the chances for marital growth and reconstruction are considerably enhanced.
When you wake up And find me gone tomorrow Don’t think I meant to hurt you I just did what we knew I had to do And all the time we knew The time was never right for us Time to leave this love behind I could never leave you — Baby If I see you cry Chorus I’ll say good bye for the two of us Tonight while you sleep I’ll kiss you softly one last time And say good-bye Like I know we must There’s just no other way And I couldn’t bear to see your heart break So Iґll wait till your asleep to say good-bye Please realize How hard it is to do this I’m trying to make it through this Say good-bye just as gently as I can Please try and understand This time’s just not the time for us We knew I couldn’t stay But that don’t make it easier to leave you So while I can find the strength Chorus Before your arms embrace me Before your kisses take me Before your eyes can make me stay Chorus Like I know we must Iґll wait till you’re asleep To say good-bye for the two of us Tonight while you sleep Iґll kiss you softly one last time And say good-bye Like I know we must There’s just no other way And I couldn’t bear to see your heart break So Iґll wait till your asleep to say good-bye When you wake up And find me gone tomorrow Don’t think I meant to hurt you Good bye
Do you really believe in moving on? Maybe? Maybe not? There’s no wrong answer. But for me, I think getting used to the change is more like it. Or maybe, moving on comes right after you get used to all the haze. You can put it anyway you want but the one thing’s for sure: there’s no paved road for this. It’s going to be rough.
There’s a difference between saying goodbye and letting go. You can basically say goodbye and not feel a pang of pain simply because a single word doesn’t guarantee a definite closure. You don’t close yourself to the certainty of not meeting again. You’re just parting ways for some time and you can always stay in touch because you’ll allow yourself to. But letting go, it’s a different world we’re talking about. Letting go is something definite, something firm and painful. It is a decision not made overnight, sometimes it takes days, weeks, months or for some unfortunately, years. It’s laying down the line, finally closing the door, and deciding to walk away, for good.
These two words kind of get mixed up sometimes though. You can say goodbye and think of it as letting go but that doesn’t always work; you may wake up one night when the pain finally and suddenly comes crashing down out of nowhere from the distant past. That’s why saying goodbye isn’t easy, unless you really mean it. If the night before the moment of truth comes and you’re still having second thoughts, then DON’T do it. I repeat. DON’T DO IT. This could be the worst decision of your life. This could be the biggest regret you’ll ever have. Because once you said it, it’s like a continuous spell that will magically affect all your days ahead. Are you really prepared for it? Or is it just your pride getting in the way? Once you lay down the line, it will automatically affect your significant other. They will get hurt of course, and getting hurt doesn’t always guarantee an open heart for second chances. What if all this was just a spill of the moment anger and you DON’T really mean it, can you take all the words back? Yes, you can apologize, but it won’t be the same, a shattered glass will never be the same even if you glue it back a hundred times.
Once this happens and the two of you resulted to splitting up, you force yourself to move on the fastest way possible. You jump into all the diversions available — drinking, smoking, sex and drugs, whatever you fancy. You get to the next train and move out quicker than the sunset that afternoon. It will all be a haze at first, and yes, I won’t contradict that this helps, BUT only for so long. You can move out or drink all you want, get high as the Everest, and turn down like your neighborhood whore but still, you can’t escape. You just can’t. He or she will be practically everywhere, like a ghost haunting you even in your dreams.
So that’s why it’s very important to be sure about your decision. Then if you really want to end things, then you have to deal with it afterwards, not run away from it. You can cry, nobody said you can’t. You have to go through the stages. You have to face it the right way, come home to your family or call your closest friend and whine your heart out. Cry until you actually fall to sleep, until you have tears to spare. Empty your body fluids if that’s the way to go. Because eventually you will get tired, the tears will dry up, and finally, you will get USED to it. And once you get used to it, I think that’s the only time the words moved on are appropriate.
It’s a road we all have to go down eventually. And hopefully, it gets easier with time.