Swaying room as the music starts
Strangers making the most of the dark
Two by two their bodies become one
It’s been like seven years since we’ve last been together as boyfriend-girlfriend. and today, well, It’s one of those days that he just popped into my mind and all I can think was how good it felt when someone loves you more than you love him. and then it came. that feeling of guilt.. of regret.. of ‘what ifs’ and ‘it could’ve been’.
I met “jordan” when I had my first job. I used to work as a receptionist/tech support coordinator for this IT Company in Makati, and he was an engineer. we were both fresh graduates then. So naïve. So inexperienced. so.. fragile. both jordan and i were the youngest employees there. back then, i’ve just turned 20, and he will be turning 21. officemates and team mates always tease him, asking him to court me. and back then, i was the shy type. being probinsyana and young. those were always my excuse.
i was in the process of moving on from a failed relationship, and i felt very vulnerable. everytime i talk to someone who listens very attentively on how gerby and i broke up, relief consumes me. jordan and i were always paired with each other at work. so whenever we’re idle, he asks me to make kwento,. jordan was always there.. just like what a best guy friend would do. whenever he’s out on a client call, he would text me every now and then. it was always like ‘Jordan, reporting for duty ma’m!’
being the only female in the technical team, other guys would like to get close. especially those who are not so young. even those who are already married. maybe because they know i’m going through a hard patch and it’s their way of helping me move on, they always ask me to hang out with them during lunch and even after work.
and since i’m comfortable with Jordan, yes, he was my sponge then. we became close. and eventually, yes, he started courting me.
I see you through the smokey air
Can’t you feel the weight of my stare
You’re so close but still a world away
What I’m dying to say,
we started dating, yes. but not exclusively. it felt wrong. but that’s what i want. i’m not ready to have a that kind of relationship yet again.
he’s the submissive kind of boy friend or suitor in that sense. not in a sexual way. i mean, he does everything i ask him without a batting an eyelash. at first i liked it. well, who wouldn’t? it was the first time that i’ve dated such kind of person. it sounded like i’m just using him. maybe yes. but definitely not. i’ve told him everything, so it’s definitely up to him if he will still like me or not. it’s like having a boyfriend back in high school. he’ll wake up every day at 4am just to fetch me at 6am. he’s travelling from sucat to alabang, so it’s around 22KM everyday. then after my shift at 6pm, he should be there to bring me home. and if he has client calls, he always make sure that someone will accompany me going home. it’s kinda possessive. but then i liked it.
I’m crazy for you
Touch me once and you’ll know it’s true
I never wanted anyone like this
It’s all brand new, you’ll feel it in my kiss
I’m crazy for you, crazy for you
In less than a month, he already have introduced me to his clan. it turns out that his family’s roots are from Batangas. So we have another thing in common. When his relatives found out that Jordan brought someone home with him, almost everyone came to say Hi. napudpod na nga noo ko kamamano eh! His dad, who’s based offshore also called just to say Hi (another thing in common, both of our dads were marine engineers). The feeling was so overwhelming. It’s like everyone likes me. but somehow, guilt strikes. it made me feel like he’s exerting more effort on this ‘relationship’ that we have, but i don’t.
It was 2 months after Jordan and I started dating that I became close with “Tom”. He was one of the senior engineers in the team. He’s more of the big brother type of guy. Immediately, I felt something different. Maybe because I wanted someone to take care of me and I’m always attracted to “mature” men. I always look forward to the times that Tom was in the office and he’s the one helping me out with my tasks. It felt good having good conversations with someone who knows more than I do. i mean, he’s 13 years older than me, so it’s already a given fact that he’s more experienced than Jordan and I.
(to be continued..)
just my dreams as a guide, i set off is search of sandy gardens. set under Mr. Sun's glow. no maps, no plans, here i go. This is me!