“tin! Pwede ka na pala sumama sa club namin.”
“SMP. Samahan ng mga malalamig ang pasko!”
It was last September 1st that I remember that this would be the first Christmas that I won’t be celebrating without a boyfriend (since I’ve started dating).
Last year, I told him “dapat January pa lang naghahanap na tayo ng mga gift para sa relatives natin.. para nakukumpleto natin & they’ll say n pinagisipan talaga yung mga gifts!” his aunt, tita beth once teased him “ok pala na gf tong si tin.. mula nun naging kayo marunong na magregalo si jolo! Dati kasi mama lang nya bumibili eh!”
Last year, it was the 1st time I’ve bought chrsitmas decors. It may not be for our own Christmas tree, but together, the two of us assembled it. Ang sarap nun feeling. Jolo said “ginawa ko to kasi gusto ko maging happy ka. The last time we’ve set up a christmas tree, dad was still with us. Si mama naman, after dad left us, hindi na sya nag-set up ng christmas tree. Now, this is for you. Kasi all I wanted is to make you happy, kahit sa gnitong simpleng paraan. And pag meron na tayo sariling bahay, I’ll buy you a big one! Pero hindi totoong tree ha. Mahal. Sayang. Hehe..” And I loved him for that. Kasi growing up from an Iglesia ni Cristo family, we never had a Christmas tree at home. My aunt would just let me decorate theirs before until I went into college. When I started working, that was one of my plan. To buy our own christmas tree at home.
I’ve started buying gifts last weekend. I already have a list of those people I’ll be giving gifts. As I’ve gone through my list, I didn’t notice na I was looking at the one I did a few months ago when we were still together. I saw his relatives’ names.. meg, xavier.. his inaanaks jandrei.. & his friends (who used to be my friends too) ida, jenkin.. and the team mates from HRCC. So I have to make a new list, and I only bought those for my officemates’ kids.
I hate doing that. Those people doesn’t have to do with what happened to us. With ida.. actually I’m not sure. But I hope she’s not part of it, hindi sya nanulsol. So I have to crossout names one after another.
I remember jolo saying (after we broke up) “you can still go to our family affairs.. k-close mo naman sila.. pero kung meron na ko bagong gf.. hindi na pwede. Kasi awkward na. ayoko naman na andun ka.. tapos dadating ako na meron kasamang iba.. masasaktan ka lang”
That’s why I know he’ll never come back. There’ll be no second (or third or fourth) chance for us. Even before pa pala.. he’s thinking of having someone else with him during their family affairs. Samantalang ako, all I think of is how to deal with his family.. how to please them.. what to give them on holidays.. Just like what tita beth (his aunt) said, “ok lang naman sa family kahit anu gawin nya.. hindi na kami magmamalinis.. kasi ganun din naman yung iba namin relatives. That’s why we’re so used to it. You should’ve known this could happen. You should’ve expected the worst. Next time.. alamin mo yung history ng family habang maaga, para prepared ka. I know it hurts. But shit happens sometimes.” Jolo even told me “ok lang naman mambabae ako.. or kahit anu gawin ko. Kasi kinukunsinte aq ni mama. Kahit anu gawin ko.. alam ko never sya magagalit sakin. Kasi kaming 2 lang naman magkakampi.”
I still wish him well. I don’t want something bad happen to him. I know I wouldn’t know. I wish no one would tell me. but I still care. I hope someone will make him realize all the wrong things he has done. Kasi naaawa ako sa mama nya. She just wanted what’s the best for him. I’m not the best. But I saw how happy she was when we’re still together. I made a promise to his mom that I’d do everything for him. na kami ng family ko yung bahala sa kanya while his mom’s away. That’s why I asked for his mom’s forgiveness when we broke up. Kasi I can no longer fulfill my promise. Kasi he doesn’t want me to. And I cant do anything anymore but give what he wants. Because that’s all I want to do. Make him happy, even if I’m no longer part of it.. even if his happiness means I have to let him go.. even if it means he’d be happier without me.. with someone else.. even if his happiness means my loneliness.. coz I know, he’d be happy without me.
Now, a few more days before chrsitmas, all I’d ever want is to spend each day with my son.. as many days as possible. Just to make it up to him. for the past few years.. for the past 4 christmas(ses), I’ve been spending it with jolo. And I’ve been so unfair to my son. Maybe this was God’s way of letting me realize I’ve been an inrresponsible mom to my son. And my age isn’t an excuse anymore. I’m already 28. My son is growing up and he needs me. I have to be there for him any other way. He took him away from me just so I can be with my son.
All I wanted then was the best Christmas ever. A family. For me, and for my son. But also for him. since he grew up without his dad. Best christmas? Him, me and my son. Or him, me and his mom. But now, I can only expect to have the best Christmas ever. With just me and my son. It could still be the best. But incomplete. Someday.. it will be..
He must have hurt you really badly. I can imagine that things were incredibly painful, as you now fear the world and are blinded to love when it presents itself in its purest form. Maybe it was a guy or two who caused it or it was growing up amidst a troubling family affair.
Whatever reason you have for feeling unable to trust, know that it’s valid and perfectly reasonable.
Heartache can leave a traumatizing mark that’s difficult to forget and can feel nearly impossible to overcome. When you find yourself in a situation that is the slightest bit familiar to how the hurtful past unraveled, it can feel nerve-racking and emotionally chaotic.
That identifiable jolt of surprise you feel when you glance over at his phone or that anger you feel when you ask a question or two brings you back to that moment when you first realized that no man can or should ever be trusted.
Despite how he rationalizes his actions, you have already expected an outcome that justifies your suspicion and negates anything that could disprove your theory.
The situation isn’t what you thought it to be. Your mind drags on, clinging to the idea that you’re bound to get hurt, that he’s doing something behind your back, that you’re replaceable and that there’s someone else.
Well, to every girl who finds it difficult to trust, give your partner the chance to be different.
It’s not a simple task and it definitely won’t be easy, but you must take it upon yourself to trust that your present situation won’t work out the same way as things did before.
When everything brings you fear, learn to live in fear. Distrust becomes your comfort zone and infidelity your truth. Watch out for possible signs to tell yourself that you’re right about this one — that you’re right not to trust him. Wait for him to make a mistake before you have any reason to stay in the comforts of doubt.
People will tell you that it’s not fair to pass the mistakes of another guy onto him. They’ll say that it’s not fair for him to be surrounded by doubt when he’s given nothing short of his best to make you feel loved and secure.
This advice is all true, but the most unjust thing you could do is let yourself suffer again for the mistakes of the man who broke your heart.
A relationship without trust is like an ice cream sundae without a cherry on top… it doesn’t feel complete. It can’t blossom into a beautiful connection if you believe he’s screwing up what both of you have.
When you completely trust the person you’re with, the foundation of the relationship will get stronger.
You’ll feel confident that when faced with a compromising situation, he won’t do anything to jeopardize the sanctity of what you value the most. He’ll appreciate you for believing the good in him.
When you stop fearing the what-ifs of tomorrow and focus on the good things that come today, you’ll realize that the worries that you’ve focused on for so long are ghosts you’ve created that have hindered you from experiencing true happiness.
Trusting someone is a choice you have to make for yourself.
When you trust him, he’ll prove to you that he’s worthy of it. His actions will show you that there was nothing to fear.
But, if in the end he disappoints you and hurts you, just move forward and continue to go through life with optimism about what genuine love and trust can bring. Because trust me, it’s beautiful.
I’ve always found the concept of breaking up with someone to be both unsettling and sad. Whenever I hear of a friend or family member’s relationship coming to an end, I feel somewhat disappointed that another love failed yet again.
Coming from a family where my parents met and fell in love at 15 years old, I grew up believing in the whole “fairy-tale” ending phenomenon. I just didn’t understand how if two people loved each other so much, they could even fathom ending things.
I think this is part of the reason I struggled so much in ending my first long-term relationship. He was more than just a lover; I grew up with him. I had so many firsts with this person, and I went through many hard times with him by my side.
We started dating at 15, the same age as my parents. He was my best friend for four years and I couldn’t imagine life without him, or how I was even happy before we came together.
Before I knew it, everything changed. He made consistent mistakes when it came to our relationship that hurt me over and over again. I started to feel myself not just falling out of love with him, but also craving something new and more fulfilling.
At the same time, the thought of not having him in my life felt both sad and unfamiliar. It also felt unfair: Why did I have to lose him as both my boyfriend and my best friend at the same time? I wished it didn’t have to be that way. I wished the aching hole in my heart would just close up and heal.
It’s amazing to think how quickly people can come in and out of your life; people who used to mean everything can turn into nothing. How are we forced to forget people who once meant the world to us?
When our lives center around someone we love, it doesn’t just stop the minute you break up. When you’re passing by his favorite restaurant or the place in the park where she first told you she loved you; when you realize it’s his birthday or hear her favorite song on the radio, the memories will always linger.
However, these are memories you are forced to forget because you know, and everyone else knows, that you deserve better.
I believe that if you truly love someone, you will always harbor love for that person. It may be a different love than it was when you were together, but something will always be there. Maybe it’s simply just an ache that creeps across your body upon hearing his name.
We will never completely forget about a failed love, but that does not mean you won’t be happy again — you will.
Either way, this concept is inevitable. It’s the human condition to crave love and relationships. Every now and then we meet someone who may end up becoming a big part of our lives, and with this, we run the risk of ending up as strangers.
However, I think it will always be a risk worth taking. With every failed relationship comes a new lesson. They help us learn more about what we like, don’t like and what we are willing to accept.
They help us recognize the pain a broken heart can bring and the growth involved in healing it. They also teach us to appreciate how beautiful and vulnerable love can be, and hopefully, eventually, help us find that person who will make all that pain and uncertainty worth it.
Time to leave now, get out of this room, go somewhere, anywhere, sharpen this feeling of happiness and freedom, stretch your limbs, fill your eyes, be awake, wider awake, vividly awake in every sense and every pore. – Stefan Zweig
Turn around, look at your life and decide right now if this moment, this place makes your pulse race and your heart bend. If there’s not a fluttering feeling in the deepest part of your soul, questioning and absorbing everything around you, get out right now.
If you feel comfortable, content and unchallenged… stand up and walk away. Make plans or don’t make plans, but whatever you do, leave this place and find somewhere new.
There’s a reason the word “leaving” sounds so nice. Like saying “see you later” instead of “goodbye,” it puts you at ease. It signifies a fresh start, a departure from the old and overrun. Because leaving is just the precursor to arriving, and there’s nothing better than a fresh start.
Whether it’s a new apartment or a new city, starting over isn’t about changing your scene, but the way you’re living in it. It’s about opening your eyes again, walking to the ledge and looking up, down and across, once again comprehending the vastness of life that sits openly waiting for you.
Life has a tendency to get stale. Like your favorite food, it loses its edge after a while, that special quality that made you love it so much in the first place. We, like the places we confine ourselves to, become as dull and boring as our surroundings.
New experiences are the reason we live. They are the reason we get up every day, the reason we carry on. While we enjoy comfort, we crave experience. The point of living is not to resign yourself to one part of life, but to continually redefine yourself. It’s to baptize yourself, over and over again, in new waters and new experiences.
You have your entire life to be comfortable, to sit in your house and bask in the familiarity of it. But right now, while you’re young and uncomfortable, keep going, keep challenging yourself. Keep making yourself uncomfortable. Because it’s only when we’re uncomfortable that we are growing and learning.
To truly understand yourself, your purpose and those around you, you must keep moving. You must move at least five times; five times to open your heart and dip your toes into something new, fresh and life changing.
1. To get away from what you know
Your first move is like taking flight for the first time. Like learning to fly, you realize the only thing stopping you from the world is yourself. You don’t have wings, you have legs, airplanes and trains. You have buses, cars and ocean liners. You have the world in front of you, with nothing but open sky and limitless possibilities.
But first you must leave the nest. You must say goodbye to everything you grew up with, the small world you once considered enough. You must unlatch yourself from the comforts of the familiar and place yourself in the middle of chaos.
This first move is the hardest. It’s the moment you willingly decide to be uncomfortable, scared and alone. It’s making the decision to become a foreigner, an outsider, a refugee. It’s abandoning everything you once cherished for the idea that there’s something better out there.
2. To find new experiences
The second move you make should be one of restlessness. You should be tired of the same flavors of your now comfortable surroundings. This move is about feeling again. It’s about accepting that you can’t possibly know everything, but you are going to try.
You are going to have experiences, adventures and an unforeseen future. You don’t know who you’ll meet, what you’ll find or how you’ll get there, but you will do it. You will jump into it blindly and openly.
You will make new friends, find new flavors and reignite that passion for life that came with your first move. You will not rest until your hungry soul is placated. You will leave your old friends for new ones, your first language for another and that idea that you’re home for that invigorating feeling of homesick.
3. To chase love
To chase love is to chase happinesses. It’s to decide that you will throw yourself into the swirling, maddening and restless chase we’re all trying to enter. Because love is the ultimate destination, is it not? It’s the reason we move, every day.
It’s the reason we get up and fight through the bad. It’s the reason we keep going, trudging on, meeting person after person. It’s the last goal, the final frontier and the only thing worth moving for.
If you think you’ve found it… in a person, a city, a job, you must move for it. If your dream job awaits in Spain, you must move there. If your heart yearns for the pink beaches of Bermuda, you must go there.
If you fall in love on the dunes of the Cape with a man you barely know, you must follow him. Chasing love is not irresponsible, it’s honest. It’s admitting that there is no greater chase, nothing more important. Because if you’re not chasing love, what are you running after?
4. To escape that love
Love isn’t infinite. It can be found in a moment, a single dose or a fleeting romance. It can be a year of perfect love with someone who isn’t supposed to stay in your life. It can be in beaches that bring you peace until your heart years for something new. It can be in the first bite of pasta and over with its last.
Love isn’t defined by its length but its capacity to touch you and change you. Just because it doesn’t last doesn’t mean it wasn’t real. You must leave for love but you also must realize when that love no longer remains.
You must be strong enough to walk away from finished love to find new love. You must flee the suffocation that comes from stifled love and keep your heart open for more.
You must never settle, never give in to the idea that you can’t have another one. Because the world is full of things to throw your heart into, things to make you weep and realize (yet again) why you’re alive.
5. To begin all over again
You must resist the confines of comfort. You must defy the idea of settled. You must never resign yourself to the ordinary or the easy. You must challenge tranquility for the promise of something greater.
To live is to be born and to continually live is to be reborn, again and again. As a new person, new lover, new friend, you must willingly evolve and transform into new versions of yourself.
You must never allow the new place you’ve created to become the final place. You must consistently defy the idea of comfort for the idea that you’ll never be fully satisfied unless you’re exploring, changing and moving
I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: Relationships aren’t easy. As a very wise musician, Neil Sedaka, once sang, “Breaking up is hard to do.”
The decision to end a relationship may be easy for some, but for others, it’s a decision that takes a lot of time, internal mulling and external venting.
Once you make your decision, you may be immediately feeling regretful; after all, you spent a lot of time with this person.
He or she was your significant other; you were intimate and comfortable with this person. All of those things are not easily forgotten or left in the past.
In the end, however, you broke up for a reason. While you may be entertaining the idea of drunk texting this person at 2 am on a Saturday night and revealing how much you miss him or her, just don’t.
1. It Ended For A Reason
You didn’t just break up with him or her out of the blue; there had to have been reasons. Nine times out of ten, the underlying problem didn’t disappear overnight.
Unless your ex has completely done a 360, don’t step backwards. Your relationship failed; don’t forget that reason when you’ve had a little too much to drink and you’re feeling lonely.
2. After The Honeymoon Phase Wears Off…
While you may have remembered all the good times you shared, replaying cute conversations in your head simply creates a façade that everything was perfect.
If that were the case, you would most likely still be together. If you did get back together, it would be great during that “honeymoon phase,” but after that, the original issues will resurface, leaving you confused and heartbroken… for a second time.
3. You Don’t Think You Can Do Better
You can and you will; it’s as simple as that. There are so many fish in the sea — it’s the oldest cliché in the book — and, yes, I’m throwing it at you because it’s true!
Once you’ve had enough time to get over your ex, explore your options. Let a friend set you up on a blind date, start swiping right on Tinder or just get someone’s phone number at the bar.
There isn’t just one person out there for all of us. There is the right person, at the right place and at the right time. Love is a tricky little thing.
4. If It Were Meant To Be, It Wouldn’t Be So Hard
One of my friends said this to me during one of many venting sessions, and it stuck with me. You shouldn’t have to work as hard in your relationship as you do at your full-time job.
I’m not telling you there won’t be bumps in the road, but overall, you should be happier more times than sad in your relationship. If you were feeling the latter, especially towards the end of your relationship, it won’t be better the second time around.
5. You Were Comfortable
Your significant other knew everything about you: your most ticklish spot, your favorite meal and exactly what you needed when you were hungover on a Sunday morning.
You may think you’ll never feel that comfortable with another person, but I promise you, it will happen. Most of us take time to open up to others, especially in our generation, where everyone is so quick to move on to the next best thing.
When the right person comes along, you’ll want him or her to know all of those things and more. In the beginning of a new relationship, you probably won’t be sharing your deepest secrets, be able to finish each other’s sentences or know exactly what your partner is thinking by just looking at his or her facial expression.
Eventually, you will get there with someone new.
6. The “L” Word
You loved your significant other. I get it; I’ve been there, too. However, if you’ve learned anything from reading articles like these, you know with each new relationship, you learn more about yourself and how you love in particular.
Falling in love isn’t just about the person; it’s about the timing. Timing is everything, just ask Ted Mosby. When you fall into that forever kind of love, you’ll know it.
I am a firm believer in the mantra, “Everything happens for a reason.” You learned from the pain, so don’t subject yourself to it a second time around. Leave the past in the past, and move forward. There are far better things ahead than anything we leave behind.
Take yourself back to when you were 16. You were a completely different person than you are today, right? As we grow up, we grow out of bands, bedrooms, haircuts, friendship and, more often than not, relationships.
What we felt as heartbreak back then, we now see as our first crush welcoming a two-week relationship with someone else. However, we soon realized it wasn’t as detrimental as we thought, and we managed to move on.
I’m not suggesting actual heartbreak is comparable to teenage unrequited love, so don’t think I am underestimating the impact it can have.
Real heartbreak can utterly obliterate an individual, chip away at his or her character and cause complete devastation. You are left with a kind of nothingness, as though you are holding your breath, but do not want to exhale because then it will be over.
Regardless of how much you want the pain to end, it is the only attachment you still have to the individual, so it can feel better to brave through it than lose it for good.
Heartbreak leaves your entire body empty and your mind completely consumed. You are incapable of shaking your ex from your thoughts and everything you do, say, see or hear minds you of him or her.
You hate your ex for leaving, yet long for him or her back. The absence of this person has created a hole no one will ever fill. Even if you fall for someone else in the future, it will be a different kind of love, of which will hold a different part of your heart.
We go on dates thinking this person could be “the one,” and without getting to know him or her, we are blinded by the illusion of love and fantasy of romance. Real love will break our hearts, hurt us, deflate and wreck our self-confidence. It’s something you won’t find in the movies.
However, just like your 16-year-old self, you will overcome this. You may feel as though you’re watching your life go by in fast forward with you stuck in pause, but you must keep moving.
It’s okay to cry; it doesn’t mean you’re weak. But when you do stop, do not cry again. Never go back to the person that hurt you and put you through this pain.
Once the trust has gone, it will never be the same, no matter how hard you try. You will always be suspicious and curious if this person was capable of doing it before.
This is the first and hardest part of letting go of the pain, but it will be the beautiful beginning to you moving on. If you’re giving love and not receiving it, you’re in the wrong relationship. If you’re receiving it and not giving it, you’re taking advantage of the other person.
Never pursue love with someone who takes you for granted because someone who is only half interested doesn’t deserve the whole you.
Similarly, don’t be reckless with someone’s emotions; if you’re going to invest the large amount of time that comes with long-term relationships, be passionate about it, and about him or her.
Love is a crazy thing. You crave it when you don’t have it, yet often miss the chance when you do.
Finding “the one” is probably the hardest challenge you’ll face in life. Just like life itself, the only way you’ll get it right is through trial and error.
It may take longer than you expect or wish, but never give up on yourself or finding it. Sure, there will be lots of Mr. Rights out there, but only one Mr. Perfect.
Be patient and never settle for someone for the sake of it, or because you want the relationship rather than the person. This will only result in more upset further down the line.
Finally, know that everyone is beautiful to someone. Just because he or she is not around at this instant, doesn’t mean that the person for you does not exist.
Your perfect match is out there; it’s just unfortunate that the more you try to find something, the harder it is to see.